Finding our way to a fulsome life is a goal and yearning that we all share. It might take different pathways and timelines, but we all know when we have got there. It is that place and time in life when, irrespective of external circumstances, met or unmet personal and professional goals, we live with self-awareness and compassion vis-a-vis ourselves and, subsequently, these around us. It is that time and place in our lives when we recognize we are all on a journey to self-love, and that behind many of our aspirations, shortcomings and frustrations, it is just that – a deep desire for feeling loved, appreciated, and understood.

The journey to a fulsome life is rarely a straight line. It usually zigzags across many chapters and experiences of life, through hills and valleys, deserts and seas, sunsets and sunrises, storms and rainbows… We know we are nearing the destination when the following starts to happen:

• We are in touch with our body and needs. This practice is under-rated in our busy lifestyles. At times, it takes a breaking point or getting close to a breaking point -mentally or physically – to realize how important it is to listen to our bodies. This might take the form of getting the rest we need or medical attention in a particular area, better nutrition or practicing walking or a new physical activity. Thinking back to how our bodies have carried us through over years and different experiences of life (e.g. including birthing if you are a mom), it is hard not to be in awe at the strength and dignity of our bodies. And beyond the physical needs, there can also be emotional needs impacting our bodies. The extreme might be coming from traumatic experiences. “The body keeps the score” as per psychiatrist Bessel Van der Kolk, as traumatic memories can get stuck in our bodies and come as fragments of images, physical sensations or intense emotions. Unhealed and unprocessed trauma can lead to mental or physical health issues, as well as tendencies to numb emotional pain via destructive behaviors vis-a-vis our bodies.
• We are in touch with our emotions. This practice is also under-rated in our systems of learning and lives. Teaching about emotions seems to stop in pre-school years, despite the fact that the way we deal with both positive and negative emotions is key to a healthy and joyful life. Dr. David Hawkins in his book “Letting Go, the Pathway of Surrender” talks about the importance of not suppressing or repressing emotions: “Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind it.” It is equally important to allow ourselves to sit with our negative emotions in order to let go of them, as it is to make space for our positive emotions which amplify the beauty and gifts of our life, relationships and the present moment. And this is important because more often unconsciously rather than consciously, “what we are holding inside colors our world“: “To the fearful person, this world is a terrifying place. To the angry person, this world is a chaos of frustration and vexation.”
• We practice self-compassion which in turns leads to compassion towards others. This practice is often misunderstood or mis-applied. Self-love is not about unhealthy egocentric behaviors which we can fall prey to when putting ourselves and our needs first. Self-love is about us becoming our ultimate best friend and cheerleader in a way that cultivates not the strongest of egos but a compassionate human being. When we show ourselves self-compassion in the purest of ways, we can also more easily share this gift with these around us. When we forgive ourselves for our shortcomings or work-in-progress, we can also more easily forgive others for their shortcomings or imperfections. At times, self-compassion takes the form of setting boundaries; other times, it is building new bridges and reaching out to others with the yoke of judgement surrendered. Dr. Kristen Neff sums it up perfectly in her book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself“: “When we’re mainly filtering our experience through the ego, constantly trying to improve or maintain our high self-esteem, we’re denying ourselves the thing we actually want most. To be accepted as we are, an integral part of something much greater than our small selves. Unbounded. Immeasurable. Free.”

A fulsome life is one where self-awareness and self-love are an anchor and a north star for who we are and what we do. None of this means relinquishing earthly goals and ambitions. It simply recognizes that self-love and self-awareness are catalysts to a fulfilled life. In the long history of humanity, a fulsome life is like a pebble creating a reverberating effect in the ocean of our intertwined lives:

“Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into the water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects” — Dalai Lama.

Achieving goals follows the iceberg theory – achievements and accolades are externally observable similarly to the iceberg floating over the surface of an ocean, but the underlying behaviors, supporting meeting these goals, are like the part of the iceberg which is beneath the water.

So what does reaching goals mean? The response includes:

• Being committed enough to make concerted efforts and take specific actions towards the achievement of a set goal. You can engage in blue-sky thinking, an approach discovered by psychologist Charles Garfield, which entails looking at your life as if there are no limits to what you can achieve. But a goal doesn’t (always) need to be a lofty target. It can simply be an improvement you wish to achieve in an area of your life. Another way to look at goals is an unorthodox one, that Mel Robbins, a New York Times best seller author, podcast host and renowned coach, suggests: pay attention to any feelings of jealousy you might harbor; “jealousy is blocked desire” (e.g. by your fears, doubts or overthinking) as per Mel, thus it can serve to identify goals you might not have considered or allowed yourself to dream about. Furthermore, commitment means doing the work, often times, the very hard work, to meet your goal. It ultimately means taking responsibility for defining and adjusting a plan for goal execution and staying honest about your progress against your goal.
• Acknowledging that it is not about the goal itself, it is about the process and growth required to get to your destination. This mainly means to focus on things you can control. Map out steps, milestones or specific actions required to reach your goal and enjoy making progress on a mapped-out itinerary. Especially when it’s about a goal you cannot fully control (e.g. a promotion, buying a property, or getting married), it is fundamental that you focus on achieving the growth associated with that particular goal rather than getting attached to meeting it under some subjective or random timelines. The risk of missing a goal is higher when the focus is not on how to grow yourself to the level of your goal. Furthermore, a set goal might require a more profound type of growth, encompassing multiple areas of life. For instance, expertise and great knowledge in a professional sector might make someone a great individual contributor, but without leadership skills and presence, that individual’s career opportunities will likely not expand to positions of leadership. Likewise, succeeding professionally in a way that burns bridges with others, or at the risk of strained family relationships would challenge the notion of success for that individual.
• Expecting to get discouraged or make mistakes when on the journey to achieve a specific goal. The path to achieving goals is rarely linear. Steven Handel, author of Small Habits, Big Changes makes the point that “our patience is strongest when we have a healthy expectation of future difficulties and obstacles. Get ready to be challenged. Get ready to make mistakes. Get ready to fail. And make sure you are ready to keep moving forward no matter what happens.” These moments of discouragement are when re-commitment to what drives you the most is necessary in order to not give up on your goals. It is also a time when you might need your support network the most and when surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals can be the lifeboat in a stormy ocean.
• Celebrating and owning your achievements. This might seem cliché but moving from one goal to another without acknowledgement of what you might have just accomplished can lead to burnout and life dissatisfaction. It is for your own healthy self that you mark meeting your goal in a celebratory way. Remember how much you wished for your goal to become a reality and how hard you worked for it. Would you celebrate your kids or best friends if this was their accomplishment? The answer is a resounding “Yes!”, isn’t it? It is not only about a symbolic celebration, but it is also about owning your achievement, which could be a process in itself. It might entail not succumbing to some impostor syndrome or arrogance that might surface, or not going back to some old-sabotaging patterns of thinking or behavior.

Setting and reaching goals are an important part of life. It doesn’t mean everything is good 100% of the time and goals are always achieved. But it is ultimately a lifestyle which leads to more fulfillment, peace, presence and success over time. When you are clear about your values-driven goals and pursue them in a healthy way, you reap more meaning and happiness in life. And chances are that the people close to you are also happier around the best version of yourself. In summary,

“Success is not a destination, it’s a journey.” – Zig Ziglar