Arnold Sanow, MBA, CSP (Certified Speaking Professional), is a speaker, trainer, coach, and facilitator. He is the author of 7 books to include, “Get Along with Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere” and “Present with Power, Punch, and Pizzazz.” He was recently named by successful meetings magazine as one of the top 5 best “bang for the buck” speakers in the USA. www.arnoldsanow.com
Theodore Roosevelt stated, “The most important ingredient in the formula for success both personally and professionally is knowing how to get along and connect with others.” Furthermore, Daniel Goleman stated, “We are judged by a new yardstick; not only just how smart we are, or by our training and expertise, but also how well we handle ourselves and each other.”
Creating enduring connections with others is a life-long endeavor. Good relationships are vital to our well-being and make a big difference in our effectiveness with customers, co-workers, family, and friends.
No matter how well people get along, even a slight improvement in communication, everyday interactions, and understanding others can significantly enhance teamwork, productivity, customer relationships, and contribute to a positive work environment and culture.
Furthermore, in this challenging environment, everyone is doing more with less, and in this fast pace world, the “niceties” get lost, and working relationships suffer.
Excellent interpersonal skills and building positive connections with both colleagues and customers are the foundation for everything we do. According to a study by Harvard and Stanford University, only 15% of your success in your job concerning building cooperation, getting things done and creating a positive environment will be due to your technical skills and 85% will depend on your communication, emotional intelligence, people skills and your ability to get along.
Here are ten ways to boost your “Get Along IQ” and get everyone singing your praises.
It’s not just what is said that is important; it’s what’s not said that derails relationships. Say what’s on your mind. People aren’t mind readers.
Before you walk a mile in my shoes, you need to take off yours first. Everyone sees things through different lenses. We all came from diverse backgrounds. Our “rules” are predicated on what we learned from our parents, teachers, coaches, ministers, family, and friends. How is your “rule book,” your should’ s, should not’s and ego getting in the way of getting along with others?
Perception is not reality. The fact is my perception is your reality, and your perception is my reality. As humans, we are wired to be biased. Whether it is implicit or unconscious bias, we jump to conclusions, assumptions, and make snap judgments. Take the time to understand and get to know others. Every life has a story if we only bother to look.
Understand other first, before having them understand you. If you want to get along, build rapport, relationships, and connect with others, you need to communicate in the ingredients that others find as essential and not just what you perceive as important. The old saying, treat people the way you want to be treated is not valid. The key is to treat people the way they want to be treated.
Assume you’re wrong. Before blaming others, take a good look at yourself in the mirror. For example, let’s say a colleague has let you down by not delivering something she promised you by a specific date. Before blaming her, ask yourself, “What is it I don’t want to be responsible or accountable for right now?” Maybe my directions were not clear, or I didn’t check in periodically to make sure there were no problems.
Eliminate communication crushers. Here are some of the most common annoying traits, behaviors and communication elements that hinder rapport, relationships, connections and getting along; no appreciation, sarcasm, indifference, unconscious bias, blame, bullying, contempt, harassment, lack of empathy, negativity, apathy, condescending, dominating conversations, demeaning, narcissism, negative body language, hurtful words, and language, demanding personality, not responding to phone calls or e-mail, yelling and backstabbing. 90% of eliminating these crushers is aware you have them.
Choose your battles wisely. Surely, there will be times in your life when it is essential to fight for things you believe in. The problem is many people spend their lives fighting over relatively unimportant things that come up daily. This not only causes stress and tension, but it also alienates people around you. Take a look at the big picture. Is it really that important?
SOFTEN your image to make yourself more approachable, likable, and trustworthy. People make up their minds about you instantly. To create a positive impression, you need to be aware of the messages your body language is displaying. Follow the SOFTEN formula; Smile, Be Open (arms), Forward Lean/Focus, Territory (distance to be away from someone), Eye Contact, Nodding to show you are paying attention
Avoid the misunderstandings that destroy relationships. Assume the next message you send will be misunderstood. One of the keys to reducing misunderstandings is to paraphrase. In other words, after you give directions or receive directions, you might say, “I just want to make sure I understand what you want, you said …….”
Watch your language and talk to others in a friendly way. Words can hurt. Look inward before lashing outward, and be sure to taste your words before spitting them out. People get more upset about how you say something (words, language, and tone) then by your viewpoint, attitude, or opinion. Be careful of communication such as; it is what it is; accusing someone; slang and profanity; sarcasm; labels; making threats; and vs. but; talking about sex, politics, and religion; or using words such as whatever or no problem.
How you choose to respond to: change, novelty and uncertainty
By Guest Writer Ami Garcia
Ami Garcia is the founder of The Urban Chapter, a project which came about – in the midst of the ongoing global sanitary crisis – as an acknowledgement that well-being must become top of mind for organizations in order for their employees to thrive. It is Ami’s strong conviction that mental and physical well-being are critical for employees to feel valued and develop their potential within an organization. Ami recently earned a Master in International Trade and Business from a prestigious university in her country, and was an entrepreneur in ecommerce and fashion for 10 years. In addition to her hobby for foreign languages (she speaks four languages), Ami is passionate about raising awareness on well-being and pursues all avenues to learn and spread the science of well-being – including via pending certification on The Science of Well-being, an online curriculum from Yale University.
Charles Darwin’s work – The Origin of Species is still relevant today: “it is not the strongest of the species that survives, not the most intelligent. It is the one that is the most adaptable to change.”
The ability to adapt helps us to face challenges, but also to get what we want. I strongly believe that it is synonymous with intelligence.
From the moment we are born we must adapt to change: the extrauterine living environment, the community (kindergarten, school, work), the appearance or disappearance of a family member, the change of the place where we choose to live etc.
Some people with lower level of self-confidence face a loss of initiative and creativity, which keeps them in a constant bad adaptive conflict with the new environment. Wanting to stay in the comfort zone is a natural feeling, not to be condemned and that because our own brain, which exists to ensure survival in the first place, “sabotages” us most of the time.
But we all have the power and freedom to decide. And what very well defines the “functioning” of people easily adaptable to new situations is the ease with which they access the adaptive resources we all have. We could call these people “brave”, right? And courage means being afraid but still deciding to do that thing. So, by making the decision (whatever it may be) one assumes the responsibility of his/her own happiness.
Keys for easy access to own resources in case of a major change:
– ¨You Are The Average Of The Five People You Spend The Most Time With¨. So, surround yourself with emotionally stable friends. Protect your well-being.
– Remember that many times the obstacle is the path; in case of failure, you may be told in this way that you are not in the right direction. This means a forced adaptation to an unwanted situation, but you just must learn the lesson and look for the solution to continue.
– Adaptability is a “side effect”, of primary importance, of the sustained process of personal development and one’s own well-being. Just look first inside yourself.
– Be active: from the action is born reaction, opportunity, ideas, relationships. And embrace continuous learning to be ready for the unexpected. Hard work works!
– ¨To get something you never had, you must do something you never did¨ (Denzel Washington); just be open to people and to ideas and try to think out the box = taking risks.
The ideal employees of many companies are those who are willing to work in a rapidly changing environment. In almost all the job requirements you will find the specification ¨flexible person¨. And this is because adaptability is the key to the changes that can occur on any given day, and the organizational changes can be overwhelming. And companies can also face “the unknown of tomorrow,” and the adaptability to change begins with each individual.
Remember: when you develop your skills for your adaptability, you build one of the strongest qualities you will need in business. And that is because no employee or employer can be successful without vision that inspires the team, he or she is part of. In 2021 the statistics show that during a job interview, the employer tends to choose the candidate who can paint the future in the most positive way possible.
Erin Saunders is a passionate wellness advocate and a health and business coach with a background in education and clinical hypnotherapy. She also has extensive training in massage therapy, reiki, Western herbalism, EFT, and has practiced and studied yoga and nutrition for many years. She has explored and experienced first hand many different healing modalities, including naturopathy, acupuncture, chiropractic, neuro and biofeedback, energy healing, meditation, working with crystals, prayers, etc and brings all her knowledge and passion together in this website/ blog in order to help others find their footing on their own path to wellness.
Original article published on Erin Saunders ‘blog here.
Who else wants relief from stress? Past pain? Day-to-day anxiety? And the lingering feeling you will always to be chained to your to-do list? Let me introduce you to your new best friend, tapping (AKA Emotional Freedom Techniques). It’s everything you are looking for in a comforting confidant and available for you anywhere. Here’s what you need to know…
What is Tapping?
It’s a form of DIY (do-it-yourself) therapy (in my opinion). It blends acupuncture with modern psychology to relieve physical pain and emotional distress. In Chinese medicine, it’s understood that we have meridians or energy lines that bring prana (life force) to the body. When an emotional or physical trauma happens, these energy lines get blocked and stagnation occurs. Any imbalance can lead to dis-ease or illness.
In acupuncture, they put needles inside different meridian points to unleash blocks and get your life force flowing again. Similarly, in tapping, we choose specific power points to tap on repeatedly. This clears out the stagnation so the energy can flow properly again. As you tap on your meridian points, you will feel relief from negative emotion and restore balance. Personally, I tap at least once a day. I view it as energetic hygiene and I feel off when I skip it.
Here’s where psychology comes in… while we tap, we are drawing upon our memories, emotional beliefs, and fears that are creating chaos in our life. EFT allows us to dive into our subconscious which holds our limiting beliefs, stories, and toxic patterns that can continue to repeat if not brought to our conscious awareness.
While tapping, we evaluate the patterns and emotions in our lives and where they came from. As we meet the pain/fear we have the opportunity to bring our empathy, forgiveness, and healing to that part of ourselves. Tapping is like Chapstick to the soul. Granted, I just provided you the ooey gooey explanation of EFT. However, if science and facts drive your engine, there’s plenty of research online.
Who is this for?
Anyone can do it! Children too. Tapping is most beneficial for those of us who are stressed, anxious, depressed, or in pain. For those of us overwhelmed with daily demands. In research, it also proved helpful for people suffering from PTSD and others wanting to lose weight.
How to Tap
Step 1: Identify the Problem
What is causing you stress? Frustration? Pain? Here are some examples: lack of confidence, money concerns, the feeling of “I’m not enough”, fear of missing out, powerlessness, fear of the unknown, worry, etc. Then, identify the intensity on scale of 1-10 (10 being really tough). This will help you gauge the effectiveness of the tap.
Step 2: Know Your Repeating Phrase
You will tap in rounds, starting from the first tapping point (the center flesh of your outer hand) to the last point. As you do a karate chop motion on your first point, repeat this phrase about 3-5 times:
“Even though I [have x problem], I choose to deeply love and accept myself.”
This phrase is used because it conveys that despite this fear, you are willing to accept yourself fully. It might not feel true the first round, but stick with it!
Step 3: The Tapping Points
For the rest of tapping points, repeat a shorter version of that phrase. For example, if your phrase was “Even though I have this anger, I choose to love and accept myself,” on the other points you might say “This anger” or “My anger.”
Top of head
Middle of eyebrows
Side of eyes
Under the eyes
Under the nose
Under the chin
Collarbone
Under the armpit
Typically, I tap using my pointer and ring finger. Tap on each point above about 4 times. Once you are back at the hand (the starting point), you will start round 2. You will likely want to do about 2-5 rounds, depending on how charged the emotion feels in your body.
Step 4: How did it go?
Rate the intensity of the problem on a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being really tough). If it went down, it worked!
Here’s What I Really Recommend
Want to know the easy way to learn to tap? Guided videos on YouTube! Many of us are busy moms, entrepreneurs, or just modern people with a lot on our plate.
Above, I described a simple version of tapping. However, you might find you prefer a little more depth to the repeating phrases to get to the core of your issue. A skilled tapping practitioner can do that in ten minutes or less!
You can always make an appointment on my calendar and I would be happy to walk you through a private tapping session. Having a skilled practitioner guiding your transformation can really help the work take affect. You can grab a spot on my calendar here. I have tapped on everything from taps on money concerns to fear of deadlines… the struggle is real.
Don’t delay, stress busting is just a tap away!
(Article published with Erin Saunders ‘permission)
Joyce Wilson-Sanford has more than 25 years of professional experience in progressive and bold global organizational development work at the C-suite level. She is retired after her most recent role as executive vice president of strategic organizational development with the Delhaize Group, now Ahold. Joyce has two books in draft, “OD Maven” and “CEO Note to Self: The Blind Spots of Power.” Joyce is also the co-founder of the The Bob ‘n Joyce Talk HR ‘n OD podcast, designed for Human Resources and Organizational Development change-makers committed to bold work in an era that calls for the skills, values and partnership of these two disciplines. For more information on Joyce and her work: visit her website and Facebook page.
The old patterns for organizations and work need refreshment. Modern leaders will have to lead differently.
I worked with over 25 CEOs as a colleague and as formal support for their leadership development in my role of an organizational development executive. I experienced many strengths and styles of leadership as well as blind spots of power as these CEOs led large companies.
These leaders evolved from the previous generation with new leadership approaches, but the modern leader must skip a generation of leadership learning and leap into modern leading, learning while they are in mid-air.
The successful modern leaders will be:
Clear
They will need the ability to create a very sharp edge to the business strategy, know the market and cut away all that does not contribute to serving a knowledgeable consumer. This will also mean clarity about the values the company uses to guide actions in every arena. They will also need to be clear about how decisions are made and willing to share the process.
Connecting
The modern leader will need to be the ultimate connector, aligning associates from vision through execution to profit on a path that connects the results of each element so that there is embedded coherence. They will connect the right people to the right task and connect the company to the community and the market. Most importantly the modern leader will know how to connect the customer with the experience they want.
Collaborative
The modern leader needs to know how to create and encourage collaboration. There will be more and more groups, projects and partnerships that will form and unform. There will be a blurred line between in and out of the company. Knowing how to keep collaboration productive and focused while maintaining the value of working together is a modern leadership skill.
Capable
Modern leaders need to prove their worth. There have been too many top leaders whose people didn’t think they knew how to do the job. The new leaders will have to demonstrate their ability, fitness and qualities to do the job. Followers need to know their effort is given to someone who is capable.
Control-lite
The demand for clarity will allow for a form of control that is less burdensome and awkward for associates. Sharp clarity on goals and the freedom to find ways to achieving them will be needed. Learning how to maintain focus (not control) of the work of the company without punitive power will be essential. Allowing breadth and innovation will be the price for engagement.
Conflict-comfortable
With demand high, the environment changing and work being more collaborative through teams connecting and disconnecting, there will be more overt conflict. Get people used to the idea. High-agility, temporary teams and high cross-functional demand will create conflict and competing demands. Modern leaders will need to show that conflict will be part of speed and agility, and they’ll need to know when to intervene and ease strategic conflict (back to “clarity”) when necessary.
Casual and companionable
Working in an informal, comfortable environment makes the high-demand world we work in more tolerable. Casual and comfortable does not mean sloppy or crude or out of control. It means keeping foolish rules out of the way of getting work done and allowing for some fun and restoration of energy. A softer environment allows for concentration on work that is tough and demanding.
Culturally adept
Modern leaders will have to understand, work with and encourage every kind of difference with no bias. That means everything from race to creative type, different cultures to religion, hairstyle to personal quirks of team members.
Modern leaders need every bit of talent they can get their hands on. It is the talent that needs to be seen and used, not differences. The more differences, the greater the possible evolution to new.
Creative
Modern leaders are redesigning work and what constitutes a workplace and an employee. Imagination and original ideas are needed. They have to nourish and encourage ideas. This takes giving leeway and allowing more ease in the system.
The modern leader needs to be creative or be very encouraging of those who are. Especially important will be allowing ideas to bubble up at all levels of the company and to prove the ability to go to experimental execution.
Commanding
Given the chaotic speedy environment of business, combined with the need for more flexibility and collaboration, workplaces often are anxious. The modern leader needs to carry authority in ways other than command and control.
This leadership may involve a needed voice of wisdom. It may be a demand for accountability. It may be inspiration to galvanize the company. Regardless, the leader’s presence and voice need to be strong and able to be modulated according to the circumstance. Presence needs to be strong, whether literally present or not.
Clever
The new generation in the workforce is clever. They respect “clever” and they want it in a leader. Clever means “quick to understand, learn, and devise or apply ideas.”
I put this near the top of the list because this is a quality that supports high demand, constant change, new ways of working and serving the new consumer. Clever matters.
Conductor of change
The metaphor I like for modern leaders is the orchestra conductor. There is a “score” that pulls together all the possible sounds into a unique creation that satisfies or transforms the audience. Modern leaders are the conductors of change: following strategy, combining differences and effort, modulating speed and intensity, and leading the company to a grand finish. After that comes another performance. But first, allow for a “bravo” to provide recognition and energy for the next performance.
Constant
The constancy of the modern leader will be an important element of keeping the company steady in confused seas. It will involve having guiding principles to steer the work even when the work itself may be changing.
It means a steady hand on the rudder. It means constant steering without abrupt turns. It means the modern leader must be exceedingly grounded in the core of the business, its model for prospering and the values that will sustain it. Constancy does not mean rigidity but is instead the art of holding steady on confused seas.
Character-proof
Associates have been disengaged and disillusioned, often due to disillusionment with the character of their leaders. Being a leader of character simply means you have a good reputation in and out of the company.
There is a moral awareness that guides your work, and it is shown in all you do. You can be counted on and are rock steady because what you take a stand for doesn’t change with the circumstances. Your character is the rudder of your company.
Courageous
Most CEOs want the top position. They have learned to live with pressure and being constantly observed and evaluated. They have experienced making big, big mistakes, surviving them and moving on. They have a tough hide.
The type of courage modern leaders require is the guts to be vulnerable when doing the right thing in the face of Wall Street demands, in firing a close colleague when necessary, in standing up to the board in defense of a policy that they don’t like, in owning up to disappointing results, and in leaning into the foundation of their personal and company values. When courage is needed, it can be an excruciating moment.
Compassionate
I almost left this factor out because “compassion” has become so trendy. So has “kindness.” Then again, it is needed, and we seem to need to exaggerate when we are adding new behavior.
Unfortunately, nothing seems to trivialize a quality or skill faster than when business grabs hold of it. So, do not commoditize compassion. Top leaders must maintain compassion while taking actions that have a hurtful impact. Doing so assures you are human. And every CEO could use a little self-compassion.
This modern leader will have skills for “doing” but will need the qualities of “being” for the personal processes that support the work of the business. These are not soft skills. They are personally demanding.
Is this asking too much? Yes. But it is being asked for by the people in your company and demanded by the times.
(Article published with Joyce Wilson-Sanford’s permission)
Maxim Dsouza is a self-improvement blogger with over a decade of experience with startups. He has led teams for over a decade, made mistakes and learned the hard way. On his blog, Productive Club, he provides unique tips and tricks on productivity, time management , and entrepreneurship from his real life experience.
A few years back, most goals I aimed for followed a typical pattern.
I would target a deadline and fail to achieve it.
People speak about the importance of achieving the goal within a stipulated time all the time. But today, we’ll discuss how to make it happen.
Failing to meet deadlines has different reasons, and each problem requires a solution of its own. Finding the right answer begins right from the first step of setting the right expectations.
Before I get into methods for meeting deadlines, knowing different types of deadlines is crucial to meet them.
These are the projects and the timelines imposed on you by other people or circumstances. You have little to no control to modify them. For example:
You’re an employee, and your boss wants a project delivered
You’re a startup founder, and the investors want you to launch the product by a specific date
You’re an unemployed person, and you only have the cash to manage expenses for the next 2 months
As you can see in the examples, working for yourself or an organization has little to do with the timelines. You’ll have deadlines imposed on you even if you’re the owner of a billion-dollar company.
In this category of deadlines, you face dire consequences if you fail to achieve your target.
The typical cycle of working towards the deadlines imposed on you follow the pattern as shown below:
You take the first few portions of the time available lightly. When the deadline seems far away, you believe you can afford to relax.Instant gratification kicks in urging you to enjoy the current comfort and worry about the work later.
As the target time approaches closer, you think about starting, but decide to wait some more. Even if you begin the job, you put in bare minimum effort just to show some progress. After more time passes by and the deadline is a stone’s throw away, you panic, get into full gear, work under pressure, pull a few all-nighters, and deliver at the final moments of a ticking clock.
The complexity of the work or size of the project has little to do with your behavior. If the deadline is 6 months away, you relax for the first few months. If you have to deliver the task in 6 hours, you browse social media for the first few hours. The time you waste remains proportional to the effort required to pull off the job.
The only exception is when the deadline is too right from the offset. In such cases, you jump into action right away.
The deadlines you set for yourself
Whether you realize it or not, we all set deadlines for ourselves. Some have a habit of putting them on paper or an app, while others set a mental timeline.
The deadlines we set for ourselves fall under two categories again, depending on your personality and the circumstances.
a. Unrealistic deadlines:
These are the deadlines you set for yourself which are downright impossible to achieve unless you pull off a miracle. Go-getters often make such mistakes to reach a target quickly or by aiming for too many goals. The reasons for such deadlines vary from person to person, but false belief and overconfidence in your abilities are the most common.
Deep in your heart, you know that you won’t meet the timeline, but you fool yourself to believe that you will. Finally, you curse yourself for your inability to meet deadlines.
Keeping up the target dates starts with learning how to set deadlines. If you’ve set deadlines that you couldn’t meet in spite of pushing yourself to the limit, you should set realistic timelines with SMART goals.
b. Lethargic deadlines:
The majority of people fall victim to a laid back behavior of staying in their comfort zone. Even when you know you can complete a job early, you convince yourself that you have time. You extend the deadline as much as possible so that you can both take it easy and feel accomplished for getting work done.
Unfortunately, you set sluggish deadlines for the goals you care about the most.
In the above examples, you control the project and the timelines. Besides, the consequences only affect you or the people closest to you like your spouse and children.
When you set such deadlines, you usually fail to meet them. The pattern for the effort you put in looks as follows:
You relax during the first portions, just like the deadlines set by others. After a reasonable time has elapsed, you realize you have lazed around.
But here, a peculiar change occurs compared to the deadlines imposed by others. Since you’re the only person affected by the consequences, you tell yourself that you’ll start soon. You know that you’re going to postpone the deadline in the back of your mind, but you do not want to accept that yet.
As more time goes by, you realize the time left is no longer sufficient to achieve the target. Since you’re the sole decision-maker, you finally set a new target date. What is funny is, you add the whole duration again to the deadline to set a new target date.
Example for setting lethargic deadlines:
Let me explain with an example. You’re working at a job you hate, and you decide to find a new one in the next three months. You spend the first month telling yourself you have enough and more time to start hunting for another place to work at. In the second month, you convince yourself you still have time and start updating your resume.
You already know that you won’t put in the required effort in the days to come, but you do not accept it yet. You make a few changes to your resume as the second month whizzes by. When the third month begins, you realize that finding the right job in 30 days is unrealistic.
So what do you do? You give yourself another three months to achieve the target. The best part is, you allow yourself to relax for the whole third month because your new start date is your old deadline. The vicious cycle either repeats forever or takes a few iterations before you achieve the goal.
If your target is a long term goal, you repeatedly push the deadlines. The chances of never achieving the target are incredibly high.
Postponing self-imposed deadlines has killed more dreams than failure.
How to meet deadlines:
Here are five tips for doing a better job at meeting deadlines. Depending on your personality, the type of deadline and your motivation behind completing the goal, the effectiveness of these pointers will vary.
The same tips apply for students, working professional, entrepreneurs or others. Experiment with each of them and check what works best for you.
1. Do the first step early:
One of the biggest obstacles to completing a huge project is making up your mind to get started. You find one reason or the other to justify why you cannot begin. For example:
I have a hectic day today
I have enough time, so I will start tomorrow
The first step is easy, so I will begin later
No matter how small the first task is, get it done right away. You might only have to make a simple phone call or spend 5 minutes brainstorming. But, if you push the task for later, you will repeatedly procrastinate.
But if you take just one baby step forward, you’ll set things into motion and make constant progress. The first action builds momentum and sets the foundation for the rest of the journey.
2. Set milestones
When you’re on a long drive, have you noticed how the milestones invoke a feeling of inching closer towards the destination?
A milestone serves two essential purposes:
Tells you where you stand
Keeps you motivated because the target seems closer and closer
Despite the clear benefits of milestones, most of us fail to use them to achieve our long term goals. Your process of approaching a goal without any milestones looks like this:
If your destination is distant, the effort, time, and energy required can create a mental obstacle to begin.
In comparison, milestones make the same journey appear like the following:
Instead of defining your goal as one final destination, break it down into intermediate steps with a target and a timeline.
A long, arduous expedition now seems like a step by step adventure.
3. Use reminders:
Most of us do not possess the memory skills of a whiz kid. I have a hard time remembering things unless I note them down. Many of you might have the same challenge. Unfortunately, many people rely on memory to remind themselves even if it has repeatedly failed them in the past.
“I don’t need to write it down. I will remember it,” is one of the biggest lies you tell yourself. You ain’t gonna remember it. Period. Next time you convince yourself to rely on memory, watch out.
Instead, if you use reminders, you’ll stay on track towards your goals. You can pick any medium you find comfortable. You can set the alarm on your phone, mark a meeting with yourself on the calendar, or use an app to remind yourself of the unfinished work.
A word of caution here: Do not introduce a new medium to remind yourself. The more comfortable you are using a tool/application already, the higher the chances of setting consistent reminders for yourself. For example, do not install a task management app just for reminders if you haven’t used one before. You’ll be more consistent using a calendar reminder that you’re used to.
Also, do not use a platform that requires you to check for things to do manually. An automated reminder to help you recall the task necessary for an upcoming milestone works best.
4. Use a calendar view
Have you failed to meet a deadline because you forgot about it until it was too late? Don’t worry. It happens to many of us.
As mention in the previous tip, you must set reminders for the tasks you have to complete. At the same time, having an overall pulse of all your deadlines helps you stay on track and make any required course corrections.
Most of us have different goals from various spheres of our life that need attention. For example:
Career growth
Finances
Health
Relationships
Relaxation/hobbies
Keeping a tab on all of these as tasks is overwhelming. Instead, if you had one place where you could glance at all your deadlines, you’d know where to focus your time and energy.
A calendar view helps you get an overall picture of your upcoming deadlines. You can use the calendar on your computer/phone to mark an event/milestone/deadline. If you make this a habit, you only need to view the whole calendar a few times a week to keep yourself aware of the approaching targets.
Here is a screenshot of my calendar which outlines some of the milestones I have to achieve this week. You do not have to follow my model, but pick what suits your style.
Asana is one app that translates deadlines to a calendar view nicely.
Keep a tab on the things you have to accomplish because the only thing worse than missing a deadline is forgetting you had one.
5. Vision board
Though human beings are visual in nature, not everyone gains motivation by looking at a progress indicator. Using a vision board works for people who like to see visible signs of progress.
Now before you rule out this tip, hold on. Do not assume a vision board won’t help you without trying first. If you’ve made one before and you did not benefit from it, feel free to drop the technique. But unfortunately, people rule out ideas based on their thoughts without even giving it a shot.
I understood the power of a vision board only after I tried it myself. Today, my walls are full of chart paper tracking the progress of different goals.
You can use your custom made vision board as far as it meets two requirements:
Tracks the final result and preferably the progress
Is at a place where you can see it frequently
The first requirement is simple, where you need to mark the outcome you’re trying to achieve. Most vision boards stop at that. But, you’ll find more motivation if you find a way to mark your progress in some way, even if it involves a separate board.
The second requirement is making sure you look at the vision board frequently. Creating one in a notebook and leaving it in the drawer serves no purpose. You must place it at a location where you look at it at least every few days, if not every day. Stickers/cut-outs on walls/work desks and desktop wallpapers are among the best and most common places for vision boards.
Conclusion
Meeting deadlines is important for your career growth and personal satisfaction.
Therefore, you must look at it as a process to incorporate into your lifestyle. If you look at each project and its timeline as a standalone requirement, you’ll struggle to meet them. Instead, you can use the above tips and build a system to make a habit of meeting deadlines.
(Article published with Maxim Dsouza’s permission)
Arnold Sanow, MBA, CSP (Certified Speaking Professional), is a speaker, trainer, coach, and facilitator. He is the author of 7 books to include, “Get Along with Anyone, Anytime, Anywhere” and “Present with Power, Punch, and Pizzazz.” He was recently named by successful meetings magazine as one of the top 5 best “bang for the buck” speakers in the USA. www.arnoldsanow.com
Rapport is defined as “bringing agreement, harmony, and accord to a relationship.” Isn’t that what we want in our connections – to discover points of mutual interest or common ground, reach agreements, live and work together in harmony and enjoy interactions along the way- with more ease? Rapport is the magic ingredient for getting along with our customers, co-workers, colleagues, committee members, families, friends, neighbors and everyone else we encounter in any role, anywhere, anytime. Getting along means smoother sailing, fewer hassles, and more fun!
The key to revving up rapport lies in expressing the same qualities that people find attractive. It’s a pleasure/pain principle in action. We move toward the people we like- those who are easy to get along with, who make us feel comfortable, who bring out our best qualities (including our smiles, laughter, and good feelings).
In reverse, we move away from those who bring us discomfort- those with whom we find nothing in common, or who grate on our nerves, make us see red, hold up our plans, don’t meet our expectations, give us headaches, or provoke other negative responses.
The relationships that bring us pleasure and good experiences are likely to endear as well as endure, generating fond memories, long-lasting impressions, and joyful feelings. In contrast, the relationships that bring us discomfort and cause negative experiences are likely to test our endurance; although their accompanying impressions, feelings, and memories may also last, we probably wish they wouldn’t.
The ability to rev up your rapport is critical to creating enduring connections. Without it, you’re more likely to suffer the pain and stress of troubled relationships and disappointing connections. You may also miss out on wonderful opportunities and their power to transform. All are typical fallout from choosing a life of disconnection
Conversely, here are traits that typically turn people off or turn them away:
Abrasiveness
Lack of humor
Apathy
Negative attitude
Coldness
Poor body language
Insensitivity
Poor communication skills
Insincerity
Poor social skills
Lack of appreciation
Profanity
Lack of confidence
Rudeness
Not only does rapport enhance your personal and professional relationships, but it can also boost your company’s bottom line. Communicating with insight, perception, and empathy strengthens your efforts to keep customers happy, gain and maintain trust, regain favor with disgruntled clients and customers and increase the likelihood of getting their repeat business and their referrals. Likewise, building good rapport with colleagues improves the quality of your working relationships, with corresponding impact on productivity, creativity, cooperation, morale, and overall job satisfaction.
Here are five specific steps you can take to boost your rapport:
Call people by name. As Dale Carnegie stated in his book, “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” there is nothing more important to someone than their name”
Pay attention. When conversing with someone by phone or in-person, give them your full attention. Don’t get distracted by other people or tasks.
Don’t interrupt. When you interrupt someone, sensitivity, rapport, and commitment are killed. If there is one thing people hate, it’s being interrupted.
Treat others as special. To the extent that you treat someone as special and focus on their needs and concerns, they will immediately gravitate to you and want to deal with and work with you in the future. An excellent way to remember this concept is to greet every person you meet as if they were a long lost friend!
Be interested, not just entertaining. This is the key to popularity. Too many people end up talking all the time, dominating the conversation, and fail to have a two-way conversation. People love people who listen to them.
As Norman Vincent Peale stated, “Getting people to like you is merely the other side of liking them.”
LaRae Quy is a speaker, author, and founder of the Mental Toughness Center. LaRae was an undercover and counterintelligence FBI agent for 24 years. As an FBI agent, she developed the mental toughness to survive in environments of risk, uncertainty, and deception. The article below, published with LaRae’s permission is an excerpt from her new book, “Secrets of a Strong Mind (second edition): How To Build Inner Strength To Overcome Life’s Obstacles”.
“Don’t be a wimp!” It was a phrase I heard a lot as I grew up on a remote cattle ranch in the middle of Wyoming.
Ranching is a serious business at 6,500 feet—the harsh winter blizzards often drive cattle into draws and the lower ground where they can be covered with snowdrifts and suffocate. Don’t be a wimp meant I needed to saddle up a horse in a blizzard to help locate the cattle so we could trail them to a corral for protection.
My parents had an incredible work ethic. As I grew up, I thought everyone worked 7 days a week, 10 hours a day. In my young world, people took a shower at the end of a hard day, not in the morning so they smelled like a petunia to start their day.
To be called a wimp by my Dad was an ugly stain on a person’s character that didn’t easily rub off. Another label Dad foisted upon careless ranch hands and indifferent neighbors was lazy. He had a tendency to drawl out the word lazy and then spit out bastard as a follow up so I knew if he threw down the gauntlet and called someone a lazy bastard, this was a person I should hold in silent contempt.
It might sound as though my Dad was harsh, but we lived in an environment where intelligence was no guarantee of success. Dad used yardsticks like wimp and lazy bastard to gauge whether cowhands and neighbors had the backbone to survive in our harsh surroundings where the lives of hundreds of livestock depended on them.
It was the responsibility of each one of us to take the initiative and act when we saw a problem that needed to be fixed. Dad understood the tough benchmark he used to measure others would also help his kids achieve success in life, no matter which profession they followed. As a result, I grew up with the unspoken assumption that I could do anything once I put my mind to it. All I needed to do was focus my energy and apply the spunk required to get the job done.
Failure was never a word used by my parents. If something didn’t work, we tackled it from another direction. When cattle and horses depend on you for their life, failure is not an option. We required a mindset that always found a way around whatever obstacle stood in our way.
Around the age of eight, I started to understand that boys were often treated differently than girls. In my mind’s eye, boys got to do the fun stuff while girls got the leftovers. I knew how to ride horses, and one summer my brother and I had to share a sweet little mare named Sugar. Dad announced that he needed to help a neighbor trail several hundred heads of cattle over the weekend. I felt certain that, since I was a girl, my brother would be the one chosen to go with Dad and I’d be left behind peeling potatoes with Mom.
In one of the most formative moments in my childhood, Dad looked in my direction and told me to saddle up—I was going on a cattle drive! Smug with joy, I rode out of the corral, tossed the potato peeler at my brother as I passed by, and sat tall in the saddle.
That was a day that changed my life because I had stolen a glimpse into a future where I realized that my only limitation would be my own attitude about myself. I found myself in a cowboy’s world full of saddles, anxious horses, backaches, empty stomachs, and hard mattresses. I loved it!
Once again initiative would be required because even though Sugar was a small horse, she wasn’t a pony and I was too small to throw on a saddle without help. But how would it look if I whined and complained? This was my chance to be a real cowboy and I would not let anything get in the way. My parents had raised to be independent when faced with a problem, so I tied Sugar to a fence post and was able to raise my saddle about halfway up her left side. I still had a long way to go but I grunted and pushed the saddle slowly up her ribcage to where it finally rested on her back. Whew! No one witnessed my weak performance, so I quickly cinched up and proudly marched my saddled horse in front of the other cowhands.
I hadn’t thought ahead far enough to realize that I also needed to get on her. As I turned to my horse, I found my nose and stirrup were the same height and realized that I’d need to raise my foot above my head to settle my boot in the stirrup. How in the hell could I get on without help? I watched as one cowboy after another lightly jumped into their stirrup and pulled themselves up in one swift motion. My only hope for getting on Sugar with any dignity, and without help, would be to find something tall enough to give me an advantage. No loading chutes or rock piles were to be found, so I went back to the fence post in the pole corral.
Now, while Sugar was sweet, she wasn’t stupid, either. As I led her inside the corral and climbed up on a pole, she knew the score and moved away before I could mount her. I looked up in desperation as I saw the cowboys head out, one by one, to gather the cattle. Dad knew I struggled back in the corral to get on Sugar, but it was a lesson in independence that I suspect he knew I needed to learn.
He left me behind.
Shit. So much for being one of the guys and trailing hundreds of head of cattle to Bear Creek for summer pasture. I was desperate because if I didn’t catch up soon, I’d never find either the herd or riders. I needed to be creative and the only way I could gain an advantage was to stand on the pole fence. I knew Sugar’s modus operandi by now, so as soon as she backed away, I jumped. I landed on her neck and thank God her mane hadn’t been trimmed because I grabbed a handful in my left hand and whirled my right leg over the saddle horn until it caught something. By this time Sugar was flustered and tried to make an escape, but I pulled myself onto her back and into my saddle.
I kicked her into a trot and caught up with the other horses and their riders. My Dad didn’t say a word, but he turned when I caught up and gave a quick nod of approval.
Several of the lessons I learned on that cattle drive have continued to build throughout my life and career as an FBI agent. These are three core principles that prevented me from becoming a wimp in the face of obstacles:
1.Attitude
Shit happens. Life is hard. Pain is inevitable. Growth is optional. Our success in overcoming obstacles depends upon our attitude. We need to develop the mental toughness to push through the obstacles and adversities that life throws at us. It means we take the time to think through our next step. A strong mind has an unbeatable attitude that seeks opportunities to accomplish things we once never thought possible.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. When you do, you’ll find ways to turn shit into sugar. In the process, you’ll grow into a better person.
Independent people put themselves in charge of their life and the direction it’s headed. Me not having someone to hold my hand when I tried to get on Sugar created a fierce streak of independence; I didn’t need my Dad or anyone else to help me. I created my own success, and while hanging on for dear life on Sugar’s neck was neither elegant nor graceful, I got the job done. I developed a can-do attitude that put me in charge of my circumstances.
2. Action
Never let the labels that others foist upon you hold you back. Take action and create a plan after you’ve given thought to your next steps. Use this as an opportunity to change the lens through which people see you. As a female agent, I faced many assumptions that I would need to overcome. I had to go no further than back to my childhood experiences to understand that I had the power to create my own future.
The obstacles we face can seem insurmountable. We believe they are the reason we can’t accomplish our goals or live our dream. As a result, we often give up and settle for mediocrity rather than take action and change our circumstances. Everyone’s experiences in life are different, but the trajectory of the emotions produced by those emotions is easy to map out: Fear. Lack of Confidence. Self-limiting beliefs. Anger. Helplessness. Depression.
Many of us blame others for our situation in life, so our answer is simple: we sit and do nothing, disoriented and clueless.
Then how do we explain those who are not paralyzed when confronted with adversity? What do they have that we lack? It’s pathetic to complain that they haven’t suffered the same trials and tribulations that we have, because guess what? Not everyone gets to play with the red ball in the playground and we all need to deal with disappointment and things that are unfair. Obstacles are pesky things that first show up in childhood and cling to us throughout adulthood.
At some point we have a choice: we can melt into a puddle of pity, or we can take action and develop a strong mind that harnesses the willpower to move forward. Great people in history have a common thread that weaves through their story—their strong minds look at adversity as a challenge that propels them into action. Whether the obstacle comes from the outside, or within, they aren’t wimps who go soft and expect others to do the heavy lifting.
3. Tenacity
Success in life requires you to have the initiative to explore your talents and strengths because are the frontiers that will unlock your potential. Initiative and creativity require the tenacity to break down obstacles as you move into the unknown. Initiative and creativity will enable you to turn adversity into opportunities that will move your world forward.
At eight years of age, I busted through a dangerous stereotype I had created for myself—trailing cattle was a man’s work and I should be somewhere else. With tenacity and pluck, I found a way around my obstacle. Perhaps most empowering was the awareness that stereotypes don’t always come from others. Sometimes we live up to the stereotype of ourselves that we’ve heard others talk about. It’s how we view ourselves.
Later, I became an FBI agent. If I thought the world of cowboys was full of stereotypes, I came across a few more in the masculine-dominated world of law enforcement. My philosophy was this: people stupid enough to rely on stereotypes to make judgments about others are dumb enough to keep making other really stupid mistakes. Wait long enough and they’ll step in something sticky—coming from a cattle ranch, I could smell that shit a mile away.
The stick-with-itness that produces tenacity enables us to see far beyond our current circumstances and to the potential we all carry within us. The quick-fix mentality doesn’t work in the long run. That’s because the important things in life that lead to fulfillment take time to excavate and polish. We can remain a diamond in the rough for great swaths of our life, but our desire for fulfillment is an attitude that will fuel us for life. Fulfillment is not something we can grab from a self-help book or therapy session. Fulfillment allows us to feel a profound resonance with our deepest values. This assumes, of course, that we’ve discovered something more important than selfies, fame, and money to drive our behavior. Fulfillment requires a journey inward, to a place that is safe and the wellspring for our confidence.
Even if you’re a wimp, it’s not hopeless and this is why: attitude, action, and tenacity are three interdependent principles that will help you create a strong mind.
By Guest Writer Jennifer Tankersley, an Executive Coach and Principal of The Tankersley Group, works with leaders and their teams to achieve individual and organizational excellence.
There is no question that the leaders of today are facing some of the biggest challenges of their careers. Thrust suddenly into unchartered territory by the pandemic, they are dealing with intense levels of uncertainty and volatility where their business decisions are laden with unprecedented layers of complexity. Leaders, some of whom were already stretched thin and headed toward burn out, are now finding themselves forced to navigate critical business challenges while managing furloughs, layoffs and compensation cuts. In the midst of this pressure, they are also traversing a completely different office landscape where working from a make-shift home space, meeting virtually and juggling home schooling and childcare is the new normal. From the perspective of a coach who works with business executives, this is not exactly an ideal formula for tackling personal growth.
Yet, in the last few months, I have inquisitively watched my clients move more fully and substantially into their leadership roles. Some are finding the courage to step up and adopt those seemingly unattainable leadership qualities to which they have aspired. Others are finally glimpsing the behaviors that have undermined their effectiveness in a way that feedback had never fully uncovered, thereby giving rise to significant change. Over and over, I am seeing leaders opening themselves up and leaning into the invitation to grow.
This begs the question why now? How, in the midst of such precariousness and turmoil, are leaders showing up in a different way and journeying into the often uncomfortable process of growth? In my coaching work with business leaders, there appears to be three synergistic factors at play that are accelerating these transformational shifts.
DISRUPTION:While it may seem to be the least likely candidate to spur growth, this massive societal disruption seems to be doing just that. For many leaders, there is almost nothing status quo in the current environment and this impediment to routine has created just the push they need to awaken to new possibilities. For some, a shift that had felt insurmountable only months ago, is now bred from necessity. Pure chaos has led to the breaking open of a perceived barrier.By way of illustration, one of my senior HR leader clients had been working to move out of execution into a more strategic role but continually struggled with delegating responsibility. Given both the external and internal threats resulting from the pandemic, she discerned that letting go and trusting her team was the only way forward.For another client, the current upheaval served to exaggerate his reactive tendencies toward conflict. This amplification of his behavior forced him to acknowledge the impact it was having on his team. For others, the disordering of their lives has spawned a willingness to experiment with new approaches and create space for the possibility of doing things differently.
REFLECTION:Disruption in and of itself, however, does not create lasting change. As John Dewey, a 20th-century philosopher of education taught “We do not learn from experience. We learn from reflecting on experience.” Our habits or tendencies are deeply rooted and, without a deliberate and measured move toward something new, we will be naturally pulled back to inertia. Reflection is a process of examining one’s beliefs and assumptions with the goal of accessing alternative perspectives. Reflection takes time, discipline and purposeful pauses in which new learning has an opportunity to germinate. Unfortunately, our fast-paced, often reactive way of being doesn’t naturally lend itself to such attention. While the current environment doesn’t necessarily facilitate greater time for reflection, the mood people are finding themselves in seems to be nudging them in that direction. The space for reflection can be intentionally created when it is recognized as a powerful tool for growth. Recently, one of my clients was reflecting, with a bit of guilt, on how working from home had allowed her to finally slow down. She was dreading the thought of “going back to normal”. We used her attention to what felt different to explore what was working, what had become possible and what actions she could take from this new, slower pace. As part of our exploration, she decided to start a daily journal to reflect on the shifts she wanted to keep, the impact they were having on her leadership and how she would take them forward when a new “normal” began.
RESILIENCE: When I consider the clients who are creating real change right now, they are commenting on their heightened sense of being able to change.Why does the current environment invoke that elevated level of ability to transform? In exploring that question, I am noticing a pattern of leaders who are, somehow, better resourcing themselves, and are thereby better able to withstand the discomfort associated with adaptation. Some of those I work with are building in time for self-care; something that had been poorly attended to in the past. A walk in the morning is replacing the commute time in the car. Other clients are tending to their energy levels. A client, who had perpetually shown up to our meetings drained and overwhelmed was struggling to understand why now, paradoxically, she was feeling so much more willingness to work on her ingrained behavioral patterns. She suffers from a longstanding pattern of defensiveness in which she frequently races to justify her position when confronted with opinions that differ from hers; a defensive mechanism that protects her from the discomfort of feeling exposed or unworthy. As we reflected on what was different, she noted that, as an introvert, the simple break from back-to-back in-person meetings and, for her, awkward social interactions, was not as taxing on her energy. With that extra vigor, she was able to tolerate the discomfort of listening and not defending herself, creating opportunities to explore a reactive pattern that was no longer working for her. Other clients are sharing that previously neglected family time is now filling them with a sense of joy and aliveness – a foundation of resiliency. These clients, in various forms, have reconnected with sources of energy and vitality that provide them the necessary reserve to work through and bounce back from challenge. Leaders who understand and embrace this are able to not only cope with the current state of affairs but are also able to demonstrate tremendous personal growth in spite of it.
Viktor Frankl, the famous Austrian neurologist, psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor, penned a postscript to his book Man’s Search for Meaning titled “The Case for Tragic Optimism.” He defines this as the ability to “remain, optimistic in spite of the “tragic triad,” … a triad which consists of … (1) pain; (2) guilt; and (3) death.” While I am profoundly saddened by the way Covid-19 has impacted our world, the changes I am seeing in my clients bring me hope. These are leaders with great influence and responsibility, who are discovering greater possibilities within themselves and showing up more consciously for others. As a coach who is dedicated to changing the world through work, this is giving me great optimism amidst the tragedy and hardship we are collectively experiencing. The great pause gifted to us by the 2020 pandemic is inviting the opportunity for genuine change through disruption, reflection and resilience. With these conditions in place, true growth and transformation are not only possible but probable.
More on Jennifer: Jennifer has spent the last 25 years dedicated to helping organizations and individuals achieve excellence and breakthrough results. With an extensive background working with leaders on critical strategic and people issues as an advisor and consultant, she now focuses her work on coaching leaders and teams as they tackle navigating the complexity of their roles or charters. Before starting The Tankersley Group, Jennifer worked for The Boston Consulting Group and cofounded NP Strategies, a recognized leader of nonprofit strategy consulting in Southern California.
Jennifer is passionate about creating positive social impact and has founded and served on several nonprofit boards. She is on a broader mission to “change the world through work” believing in the profound possibility of stronger leadership and corporate cultures for creating societal change. Jennifer is based in San Diego, California.
Let’s back up. I was in Spain with my young family for what was supposed to be the trip of a lifetime. The writing was on the wall that we should probably cut our trip short and head back due to Covid-19, but I didn’t want to make any decisions in a state of panic.
Of course, it didn’t help that we were getting four emails per day from family members about all the worst-case scenarios.
It was impossible to gain perspective.
And then I remembered. I teach other people to stop panicking. I can do it for myself too. I’m a public speaking coach, and I specialize in helping people with extreme stage fright and anxiety.
During our coaching sessions, I might ask What is the very worst thing that could happen if you give this presentation? For most people this opens up the floodgates of Well, I could look stupid, I could be judged, I could make a mistake, they might realize that I don’t actually belong there, I could freeze up when they ask me a question, I could trip up on my words, etc. etc. etc.
Okay, and then what? Well then I’d lose all my credibility, I won’t get any real opportunities from now on, I could get fired, and I’d never be able to get a good job again.
Okay. Let’s say this all happens. What would you do then?
We never ask ourselves this question when we panic. Our brain just jumps from one half-thought to another, keeping us on edge. But when we actually complete that thought, and force ourselves to face it – we realize that we can handle it. Whatever happens, we can handle it.
You get fired? You can start looking for another job.
You lose your credibility? You can create opportunities to rebuild it.
You make a mistake? You correct it.
Sure, none of those are ideal, but if it happened, you could dig yourself out. It also helps to keep the perspective that the worst-case-scenario probably won’t happen, but there’s nothing that cuts through panic quite like forcing yourself to accept it.
That’s when you’ll realize that your worst-case scenario is really not the end of the world.
That’s what will give you perspective.
That’s how you’ll be able to make a clear-headed decision and take action.
As for me on my Spain adventure – I came to terms with all of my worst-case scenarios, but I decided that to make some clear-headed decisions I needed to first ‘panic-buy’ some diapers for the kids.
PS – everything worked out fine in the end.
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Maryna Shkvorets is a public speaking and confidence coach specializing in creating persuasive and engaging presentations as well as helping people with stage fright and anxiety. Find more of her public speaking articles (as well as join her mailing list) over at marynashkvorets.com
Growth Is A Journey 