One evening as I was laying down in bed, with some negative thoughts hijacking my mind, a strong realization came about: irrespective of how mature, young, old, happy, successful we are, or not, our brain is designed to see, enforce or zoom in on the negative more rapidly than on the positive. How we perceive our reality especially as it comes to the negative has more to do with our evolutionary brain than with the specific circumstances of our existence.

Indeed, the three brain theory developed by the American physician and neurologist Paul D. MacLean in the 1960s posits that there are three brain structures in a human brain, developed over time and across species: (1) reptilian, lizard or primitive brain -which is our earliest portion of our brains and responsible for our instincts and the most basic survival functions; (2) mammalian or limbic brain -which is an intermediate brain structure, shared with other mammals, and responsible for emotions and socializing; and (3) primate (neocortex) brain -which is our “smart” brain, the most recent addition in brain development responsible for our logic and thinking.

If this theory was true, high-level, what does this ultimately mean? This means that our fascinating brains are designed to be the marvelous gatekeepers of our own human existence and survival via both instinct-based defense mechanisms but also thoughtful and endearing actions.

This can be a blessing and a curse at the same time for us human beings but the more we understand how our brain functions, the more we can use this knowledge to enable mental and physical well-being. Like with any product or device, the more we understand the parameters of design and set those correctly, the better and longer its functioning is. How would that look like in day-to-day life?

• Monitor the reptilian brain. Every time, there is a real or perceived threat, our lizard brains will trigger us into action including getting angry, running away, or procrastinating. Therefore, we need to be on the lookout for such responses that indicate our survival is rightfully or questionably under challenge. The more we are self-aware to our state of danger – real or perceived – the more we can control it.
• Use emotions as an alarm system. Emotions are indicators to be gauged not suppressed. Emotions are like a roadmap towards our destiny – the more we pay attention to our emotions, the more we are guided to lean in and discover who we are and what the next step of our journey is. The biggest blessings and gifts can come when raw emotions are allowed to take existence and speak to us. They are our Sherpa in our life journeys if we have the courage, honesty and discipline to investigate and build on their meaning.
• Use our superpower. Thinking is our superpower as human beings. When we conceptualize what is happening and why, when we interpret our emotions, our higher mind kicks in. As parents, we know that kids’ tantrums will last less if we connect and name their big emotions -name it to tame it. By using our thinking superpower, our instincts and emotions will be reined in under a mental framework that calms and finds meaning and resources.

Three key practices that strengthen the ability to rewire our brains:

• Meditate: Oftentimes coupled with visualization or remembrance of positive events and emotions, meditation was found to have a powerful impact upon areas of the brain associated with stress, empathy, resilience and emotional intelligence.
• Surround yourself with positive people in a positive environment. Like a spam filter, we always have an option to release, allow or block a sender or a message. What goes in is what goes out. The more negativity we allow or enable, the more negative our environment becomes.
• Be compassionate: be it vis-à-vis yourself or those around you, compassion is key to connection and sense of worth. When we lose that, we lose our souls. Engage in a practice of compassion or self-compassion as the fuel required to ignite our lives and relationships.

In summary, we have a primitive brain that has been passed onto us by means of survival. By design, we want to preserve our existence, avoid hurt and danger – which oftentimes puts us into a flight, fight or freeze mode. Such functioning can sustain or trigger negative feelings or emotions, and negative behaviors in our different roles and vis-à-vis ourselves or those around us -parents, spouse, children, friends, colleagues, etc…

The moment we understand that we are designed in this way, we can save ourselves or others some pain, or enrich our existence. Our brain system can be a guide towards healing and growth. No other species has that. It is in us and for us.

Or what a recent car accident has taught me.

A car accident (fortunately with no injuries involved) comes with a lot of emotions and feelings. Psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross in her 1969 book “On Death and Dying” referred to 5 stages of grief when faced with unexpected losses, such as a terminal illness. Those stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, and could be lived in any sequence or length.

Whatever traumatic event you might be facing or have faced in life, therein lies an unwrapped gift for you to open when you find the courage to drill down with your soul, mind and body:

• What has happened? Could there have been a different way? What are the practical lessons from this event, that I should carry forward? How could someone I love avoid being in a similar situation?
• How much worse could it have been? Did I live/see the worst? Did the worst happen?
• What’s the significance I choose to associate with this event? A failure, a loss, a tragedy, a reminder that how much I try, I cannot win? Or a sign that change is always permanent and that strength is won when resistance happens? What if this can be the beginning of a better future, of breakthroughs and of truth? Do I want to look back at this time and see it as a time of failure or as a time when big changes and decisions started happening?
• What’s next from here? Can this be a springboard to soar, to start new habits, to do something new? How does this practically looks like in my relationships, day-to-day interactions, decisions and actions?

On the backdrop of a challenging and unprecedented year, this car accident is in fact shaping a response and a positioning to carry forward in 2021: what if I didn’t take anything or anyone for granted? And to be honest, I had heard those same words just some time ago in a differently wrapped gift of another experience. As Pema Chodron says in her book “When Things Fall Apart”, “nothing ever goes away until it has taught us what we need to know.”

We make thousands of decisions every day and we make decisions – good or bad, conscious or unconscious, on or off autopilot- in a split of a second. So in this split of a second, what if I didn’t take anything or anyone for granted? How would I act, respond, interact? How would I feel? What would I do and how would I be as a parent, daughter, spouse, leader, friend,…? What would I in fact do differently if I didn’t take anything or anyone for granted? Who and what would I appreciate, encourage, empower, love and care for more? How would I challenge myself or others, or fight for my dreams, rights and hopes?

Your questions and responses might be different than mine but here to a 2021 with no one and nothing taken for granted!

As we get close to wrapping up a challenging 2020, being intentional tops the rankings of what we might have learned and practiced the most this year. We have had to be more intentional to stay resilient and hopeful, to not fall prey to despair or depression, and to ultimately rebound from an experience that has made us lose control and our sense of normality.

Intention is important because without it we are like leaves in the wind, losing our attachment, values and identity.

Why it is that important to be intentional? When we are intentional about something, we position ourselves from a place of strength, desire and will. We are more responsible with our time and resources, and using them better. We are more intentional in our actions and relationships, and investing in them. We are more at peace because we are intentional about what we are undertaking, fueled by a “why” that comes from our values and deep desires.

Intention is ultimately finding that alignment from our heart and core, to our mind. It is taking responsibility for the dance of life, time, and choices, and practicing it with elegance, authenticity and freedom. Being intentional creates clarity and focus, which are catalysts for results, progress and ultimately fulfillment.

How to practice being intentional? If you don’t know how to start, just start with what you are intent on creating or doing for the next 30 minutes of your life. This means that for the set amount of time, you are giving all your energy and focus to that set purpose, and you will put away all distractions. Things are getting serious!!! You have permission to bring the best and do the best, whatever the task or mission at hand is. It’s you being you – the main character on the stage of your life – and not someone else, a distracted human being, lost in comparison with others or daydreaming about life. Once you taste the power of creating an intention for the next few minutes of your unique life, you will become more attuned about setting an intention for each day, week, and month…. This will slowly turn into a life full of moments of truth, passion and authenticity – when you are intentional about how you fill your days, the relationships you cultivate, the investments you make, how you respond to what comes your way, or simply but powerfully – how you love, live, exist….

A few keys to living the power of intention:

• Clear away distractions including phone, social media, multitasking,…Distractions are like parasites, trying to feed on your energy and resources. It takes time and practice to move away from distractions, but the more you do, the more focus you bring – and the more successful you ultimately are in your set intention.
• Practice self-care and self-compassion: if you are not in a good state of mind or running low on fuel, find a way to get yourself back in shape emotionally, physically or mentally. This can be as simple as taking a nap, going for a walk, meditating or reading a book. If you are tired and irritated, you cannot sustain being intentional about anything, no matter how hard you try.
• Create energy: As Tony Robbins, world renowned coach teaches, energy is a habit that you can create in your life. The more energy you create in your life, the more you are able to influence your environment, and to bring the best in yourself and those around you. Practice whatever makes you energetic be it exercising, meditating, dancing…, eat healthy and get your zzzs – these are keys to maintaining good energy levels day to day.
• Remember your values: when your intentions reflect your values, they are more able to withstand trial and the test of time. LaRae Quy notes in her book “The Secrets of A Strong Mind”: “The times I have been unhappiest are those when I became confused about what was valuable”.

Intention is power not because it assumes that we are omniscient – we know everything we would like to do, be, and achieve…. Intention is power because it challenges us to be present, to appreciate our existence in both the more mundane or the more extraordinary aspects of it, and to continuously strive to make adjustments and live in the service of who we really want to be and why.

Getting a managerial or leadership role is exciting and at the same time a little bit daunting. Chances are also that you are starting such role without anyone taking your hand to get you acquainted with the ABCs of management. Management is one of those areas where the expectation is that you will figure things out on your own. Experience is indeed the best and a sure way to learn what to do or not do that – but doing the wrong things increases the chances for you to be one of the 50% of the first time managers who fail during their first year.

So what are some key learnings to take on to successfully navigate your first managerial/leadership role?

• You are no longer an individual contributor. The transition from an individual contributor to a manager is tough but it is a requirement in order to succeed in a managerial role. The trap or what you might end up doing during an initial phase is to think that you can do both. Sooner or later, and perhaps the hard way – after taking too much on your plate- you will realize that you cannot do both. Measuring your own performance and success as a manager involves different metrics than when you were an individual contributor, as well as maintaining a big picture vision. As part of the transition process, you will learn to delegate, get used to not being in the spotlight for individual contributions, and very importantly redefine the success factors in your new role. Over time, as you mature in your leadership experience, you will be better at identifying activities that are worth your time, or that are needle-moving for yourself, your team or your corporation.

• Management takes time. A good manager takes time to speak with his/her team in 1-1 settings or to support, coordinate or communicate on vision, tasks, goals and timelines. This time could seem like “sunk time” or “missed opportunities” to do something more productive. But managing people, supporting their growth or coaching them to ensure understanding of issues at stake, is part of your job description. Take pride in doing this piece well, as it’s the foundation on each key performance indicators are in fact met.

• You don’t get the job, you earn the job. It is easy to assume that because you were given the job, your subordinates will be fully on board with your plan and vision. Regardless of how good or bad of a boss you are perceived day one, the single thing that will earn your team’s trust on the long run is for you to walk the talk, show respect and integrity in everything you do and say. When you do that, you are an authentic leader who builds trust as communication, actions and thoughts are congruent.

• “The buck stops here”. It is easy to give credit when credit is due. It is harder to take the blame when mess-ups happen. The token of a good leader is not only taking responsibility for mistakes – instead of blaming his/her team members – but also learning from them. No team or process is failure-free. Beating yourself or your team up is not a productive manner to deal with mistakes. A successful leader is the one who learns from mistakes, and identifies changes or improvements required to not repeat these mistakes.

• Stress and overwhelm are not a sign of success. Especially when taking a new role, things might seem overwhelming. However, don’t measure your success by the amount of stress and overwhelm yourself or your team feels. It doesn’t need to be that way, because believe it or not, you are in control of your schedule and response to stress. Taking the time to rest or for self-care, and saying no are two important habits that a successful leader needs to develop and integrate in his/her daily routines. Chronic stress or overwhelm are ultimately a sign of failure on your part as a leader, because no one can function to his/her best when stress runs high.

Being a first time manager is challenging – it is as much of a journey inward to discover and act from your most authentic self, as it is a journey outward that is required to reach your team(s), customers and stakeholders. And such leadership journeys have several attributes in common: continuous self-awareness, continuous growth, and continuous change. As scientist Charles Darwin noted: “It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.”

No one likes pain, discomfort or suffering. Why would we, anyway? Indeed, from the moment we set foot in our life journeys, we are taught to seek and find happiness and comfort. Any situation that would lead to the opposite is to be avoided or short lived. Such philosophy of life is in fact engrained in our DNA and human evolution. Our reptilian brain has served humanity well by protecting our ancestors from dangerous situations via “fight or flight” defense mechanisms. Without necessarily facing physical dangers like our ancestors did, generations after generations, we are being raised with our caretakers running to our fortunes, to minimize any pain or discomfort that might come our way. We have therefore been raised to believe that happiness and comfort are our ultimate goals, while discomfort or pain are situations to avoid in the service of better and happier lives. Add social media to the picture, and we are trapped to believe that “happily ever after” lives and relationships exist…

Paradoxically, such upbringing and culture are in fact in the disservice of better and happier lives. This is because fulfillment, growth and authenticity are often times within reach after journeying through discomfort, pain or suffering. If all our efforts are directed into avoiding those negative feelings or emotions, we might in fact deny ourselves the potential to live more fulfilled and authentic lives.

But why to open up to pain or discomfort as opposed to fighting, fleeing or avoiding them?

• First and foremost, it’s because sooner or later we will inevitably experience pain or suffering. This is despite how much we could work or try to avoid them. So if pain or discomfort are inevitable, we might as well learn how to cope with them. As LaRae Quy candidly puts it in her book, “The Secrets Of A Strong Mind”: “Shit happens. Life is hard. Pain is inevitable. Growth is optional.”
• Secondly and importantly, it’s because discomfort or painful situations are positioning us to break through our most limiting beliefs and areas of growth. While we wouldn’t wish harm to anyone including ourselves, pain or suffering are ironically or paradoxically potentially the biggest gifts of life, because it is during those moments that we draw closer to what and who matters the most to us. Being uncomfortable or in pain is hard and messy,…but only going through it is enabling us to break through.

Three pillars for successfully navigating pain or discomfort are:

• Self-awareness: it is the ability to know and understand our own feelings, emotions, behaviors – to capture and process what happens around and within us. Not surprisingly, in Aristotle’s words, “knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”. Self-awareness is not knowing it all, or getting it right all the time. It is cultivating mindfulness such that we capture signals of information that help us understand ourselves and others in our environment.
• Self-compassion: it is the ability to show self-kindness even when we don’t like what we are seeing. In the book “When Things Fall Apart”, Pema Chodron talks about “the most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” Kristin Neff, a PhD researcher in self-compassion notes how self-compassion is as much about comforting and soothing ourselves as we would do with a best friend, as it is about protecting and providing for ourselves. Furthermore, self-compassion is motivating ourselves in kindness: “self-compassion motivates like a good coach, with kindness, support, and understanding, not harsh criticism.”
• Growth mindset: it is the ability to develop a mindset that as per Carol Dweck in her book “Mindset, The New Psychology Of Success” is “based on the belief that our basic qualities are things you can cultivate through your efforts… With practice, training and above all, method, we manage to increase our attention, our memory, our judgement and literally to become more intelligent than we were before.” By opposition, a fixed mindset is based on the belief that intelligence and aptitudes are fixed, and nothing can change that. Growth mindset is what leads to continuous pursuit to learn from what happens and mistakes, to embrace challenges and to persevere when obstacles come our way.

Rejecting the idea of pain, discomfort or suffering as signs of defeat or failure allows us to break through our limitations, fake hopes or beliefs. So when pain or discomfort are coming your way, as opposed to fighting them, take courage in digging deeper by practicing self-awareness and self-compassion, and embracing the cold front – it is coming to grow us by design…

Thomas Edison once said “if we did the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves”. Goal-setting is among one of the most misunderstood practices in the area of personal development. From not having any goals to looking at goal-setting as an annual one-time or an on-and-off practice, we tend to fail to grasp the transforming power of goal-setting in our lives. After all, goal-setting could turn into a painful reminder of how behind we feel, compared to others, or how we might fail to come up with far-reaching goals for ourselves. Never mind that the goal-setting literature got us fixated on goals having to be S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, timely) to get them right, a message that further signals goal-setting might be too complex or time-consuming for our busy lives.

Armed with such thoughts, we tend to miss the real essence of what the goal-setting practice actually is – a framework and a tool for life-long improvement. This means in fact that we need to start with a few general guidelines, then make the practice our own, by refining, adjusting and perfecting it over time in ways that are tailored to each one of us. Goal-setting, perceived and used in this way, turns into a practice in the service of lives that are better, more authentic and more aligned with our values and aspirations.

The theory of goal- setting is relatively simple and generally follows three steps: (1) have a vision of what we want to be, have and do, which will be used to define short, medium and long-term goals; (2) have a plan, detailing tactics and practices required to reach these goals; and (3) execute the plan, by displaying commitment and discipline.

A few important reasons to adopt a goal-setting practice:

• Goals imply having a vision aligned with our values, so ultimately being self-aware as to who we are, what we want and why.
• Goals give us a discipline workout, making us more likely to push through even when we don’t feel like doing it.
• Goals provide clarity on what’s important to us and clarity on our motivations.
• Goals imply marking the wins, with a boost in self-esteem and the feeling of accomplishment in the process. With more wins, come more courage and self confidence that future goals can be reached with the right execution and planning.

If the benefits are huge, how come we don’t turn goal-setting into a lifestyle? A few things to know or adopt that can make a difference in how to think about and approach goal-setting are:

• Start somewhere … big or small. A lot of the literature on goals out there talks about dreaming big. So when we can’t come up with some lofty goals, it is easy to feel inadequate about our lives or abilities to accomplish big things in life. But such way of thinking misses the point that we set goals as a way to improve different aspects of our lives. Even if you can’t identify goals for yourself that are moonshot ideas, focus on the next increment of improvement that could be achieved in any area of your life – health, financial, relationships, professional,… Over time, as you refine your practices and spend more time thinking about your values, roles, needs and aspirations, identifying bigger goals might come more naturally or as aha moments. Charles Garfield, a psychologist, professor and author on peak performers, found that when individuals engage in blue-sky thinking, their performance and achievements skyrocket. Blue-sky thinking is defined as thinking and looking about our lives as if there were no limits, just like looking up into a clear blue sky. In other words, if there were no limits to what you can do, be and have in this life, what would that look like and what would have to happen today?
• Adopt tools for goal-setting such as planners, phone reminders, daily, weekly or monthly routines. Such system will keep the momentum and provide a structure and process to recommit to your goals, execute on your plans, assess progres regularly and adjust as needed. For instance, a planner (Brendon Burchard’s as an example) is a great way to get you started with a goal-setting practice. But allow yourself to tweak, personalize and adjust any structure and process based on what resonates and works best for you at any point, depending on the goals you are pursuing or where you might be in life.
• Build the muscles for execution and planning, irrespective of the goal. While goals have different timelines, the making is in the week and day. In other words, reaching your goals comes down to the weekly and daily practices and disciplines you adopt. Brian Moran and Michael Lennington note in their best-seller The 12-week Year that “the greatest predictor of your future are your daily actions”. Brian and Michael further note “the reality is that if you are not purposeful about how you spend your time, then you leave your results to chance. While it’s true that we control our actions and not our outcomes, our results are created by our actions. It stands to reason that the actions we choose to take throughout our day ultimately determine our destiny”. The successful identification, planning and execution of a goal will be setting you up for success for the next goal.

Is it possible that goal setting is misunderstood because (1) we get caught up in someone else’s goals, some of which the society and culture like to set for us; (2) we focus too much on the big that we don’t take on the small improvements that can make a big difference in our lives on the long run; or (3) we fall short on the execution end?

It takes hard work, commitment, consistence, perseverance, self-awareness and self-compassion to reach certain goals or make improvements in certain areas of our lives. Goal setting is therefore a tool for improvement that one owes to himself/herself and the people around them.

Turning goal-setting into a lifestyle ultimately means choosing, as Steven Pressfield noted in The Art of War, among the two lives most of us have – the life we live and the life we are capable of living.

Fear is pervasive. Michel de Montaigne, a French Renaissance statesman and writer noted about 500 years ago: “My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.”  Indeed, studies show that up to 95% of what we worry about in life never happens.

At times, fear sneaks on us, like a nagging feeling, when things might seem too good to be true. Other times, it is there, ubiquitous, unconsciously shaping our behaviors and thoughts, well anchored into our childhood histories and environment. James Hollis, a Jungian psychoanalyst and author of several books notes in his book “Living An Examined Life” that “more energy is spent in any given day on managing fear through unreflective compliance, or avoidance, than any other value“.

There is also the more extraordinary fear – at, call it, crossroads moments in our lives when events or situations put a bigger choice in front of us. For instance, do I say yes or no to… moving to another country, staying in a marriage or a relationship, leaving a job, starting a business or simply accepting an invitation to talk at a conference.

Fear can be paralyzing and likes to tangle us in our status quo. Therefore, not unsurprisingly, fears abound when we are at a point of getting out of our comfort zone. After all, the main question at a specific “crossroad” moment is do I choose to be afraid and stay where I am, or do I choose to move forward by saying yes and taking a first step, in acceptance of uncertainty and risks. At the end of the journey of facing fear in the face, usually breakthroughs happen. For instance, something you thought you couldn’t even imagine yourself doing turns out “feasible” in the end. So it’s not a surprise that many of us can point to specific actions or decisions underpinning significant growth at a personal or professional level, but which only came about as result of turning back on our fears.

‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself”, U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt once said. So what are some myths around fear?

• If there is fear, then it must not be the right thing for me. Fear is insidious and chameleonic. Being afraid of unknown, changes, losing control, or failing doesn’t necessarily mean we are straying away from our righteous paths. The feeling of fear could simply be a measure of our understanding of the situation at hand and its short or long run implications. In the same “Living An Examined Life”, James Hollis talks about how “something within always does know what is right for us and what is wrong”. Discerning through what exactly we are afraid of and why will release the stronghold that fear might have on us and liberate us from its grip to make the right call.

• If there is fear, then I am going too fast. This is a myth that can only be understood once you start growing. In other words, once you experience some level of growth, you understand that fear might actually be a good sign. For instance, if there is nothing on the horizon or in the calendar that give you some anxiety about it, you are not stretching and dreaming big enough. Brené Brown in her “Daring Greatly” book notes: “When we spend our lives waiting until we’re perfect or bulletproof before we walk into the arena, we ultimately sacrifice relationships and opportunities that may not be recoverable, we squander our precious time, and we turn our backs on our gifts, those unique contributions that only we can make. Perfect and bulletproof are seductive, but they don’t exist in the human experience.” 

• If there is fear, but I choose to move forward, everything will go smoothly and I won’t experience any or much pain or stress. While a conscious decision to move beyond fear will help you push through, there is no guarantee that the process will be smooth. In the 9 Things Successful People Do Differently, Heidi Grant Halvorson talks about the difference between a realistic optimist and an unrealistic optimist. Realistic optimists believe they will succeed via efforts, planning, persistence, strategizing and overcoming challenges. Unrealistic optimists on the other hand, believe success will happen to them, as some sort of reward for their positive thinking. Heidi notes that “believing that the road to success will be rocky leads to greater success, because it forces you to take action”. In other words, stepping out of your comfort zone and choosing to look fear in the face doesn’t mean to blindly believe things will work out without challenges or pain. James Hollis in “Living An Examined Life” likes to call this “We have to risk feeling worse before feeling better, and we have to risk the loss of the oh-so-comforting misery of stuckness”.

Having understood some of those myths around fear, it becomes obvious that fear is universal, however if tamed, it is one of life’s biggest gifts.

What are some strategies to tame the “Fear” beast?

• Journal. Every day, week or month, journal on your fears and feelings in general. What did you feel? What did you think? What did you do? Looking back and analyzing what might be holding you back, what control you might have or not, or what the worst outcomes might be is the soil where fears lose their grip as a more self-aware, determined and brave soul arises. In James Hollis’ words: “fear is unavoidable, but a life in which fear calls the shots is one that results in terrible malformations of the soul….and sooner or later we all have an appointment with our soul.”

• Reach out. Ask for help or reach out to someone you trust to talk about your fears, especially if it’s something more complex or complicated that you are struggling with. We are craving and made for connection. Knowing we are not alone empowers us to stand against fear, either because someone else has gone through a similar situation and can share his/her perspectives, or simply because we are being heard. Strength is not defined by the ability to carry everything on our own shoulders, but to know our own limits and that we can become stronger with help from others (e.g. a coach, a mentor, online or in-person support groups, like minded people or simply individuals in our lives who have earned our trust).

• Take massive imperfect action in motivational speaker Tony Robbins’words. Action helps us to reclaim our rights to a better and braver life. Identifying a practical way to address a fear or situation has a domino effect for both our mindsets and success. Like the saying “God doesn’t steer a parked car”, nothing can change without intentional action. Philanthropist and author W. Clement Stone liked to call it “when thinking won’t cure fear, action will.”

By journaling and making conscious decisions on how we respond to fears,  they end up guiding us in finding ourselves and developing our potentials.

Fear is omnipresent, however, there is a lot of opportunity built-in with it. In her book “Feel the Fear…and Do It Anyway”, PhD Susan Jeffers notes “As long as I continue to push out into the world, as long as I continue to stretch my capabilities, as long as I continue to take risks in making my dreams come true, I am going to experience fear.”

To sum it all up, authenticity, growth and purpose lay on the other side of fear.

What a ride 2020 has been! Across many countries, we are slowly transitioning to some levels of normality with the hopes that the peaks of COVID-19 contagion are behind us. First days into the suddenly changed reality, it felt like COVID-19 was calling us to press the reset button. A few months into it, it feels as if we are awakening to a new spring of life from a forced human hibernation to preserve lives.

Like with any spring, we are treading carefully, warily of a few more winter storms to come before a full swing to warm weather.

What has the COVID-19 hibernation taught us or revealed to us to date?

– A deeper sense of appreciation. The crisis has taught many of us not to take the big and little things in life for granted: family, friends, outings, caretakers, teachers, health providers, jobs, industries, life itself… At risk or in lack, the value of what was once part of our normal has suddenly become so evident for sustaining our existence. Or stated in another way, as novelist Thornton Wilder said,  “we can only be said to be alive in those moments when our hearts are conscious of our treasures”.

– An inner wisdom to be intentional. The crisis has forced us to be intentional in our actions and communications, in order to stay afloat, and help others do the same, as we have all been facing entering uncharted territories, with uncertainty, fear and loss on the horizon. Or stated in another way, common sense is not common practice and this crisis has taught us the difference.

– A life skill to continually adjust and persevere. The crisis has taught little kids to use Zoom as part of virtual school programs, and business partners to negotiate deals on backdrops of  little humans’ laughter or cries. It has taught many of us to be a little bit braver while getting more comfortable to sharing a little more of our private spaces and lives. While governments around the world are pumping money into economies to help individuals, companies or industries adjust or re-invent themselves.

– A better appreciation of time. Forced to rethink and adjust priorities and schedules, even if ultimately many of us have not been fully in control of time (e.g. working parents) the crisis has taught us to relinquish control and in that process appreciate the sacredness of time better. In musician and songwriter George Harrison’s words: “it’s being here now that’s important”.

– A see-through of weaknesses. The crisis has revealed a number of weaknesses of ourselves as individuals (e.g. where did all the ice-cream pints and toilet paper go), but also vulnerabilities and flaws in our societies,  family structures, healthcare, governments and socio-economic systems. For instance, The Economist has run a piece on how working moms have been more impacted than working fathers by the pandemic, as more of the care and household chores have fallen on moms during the lockdown. Or in many parts of the world, ethnic minorities or historically marginalized groups have been the most impacted by the pandemic, due to underlying healthcare and socio-econimic inequities.

Life after the lockdowns is therefore not about finding our normal again, but about redefining it, based on what lessons and learnings have become apparent in this crisis. And with it, a renewed sense of appreciation, intentionality and meaning takes hold of us for key acts of life – being, doing, loving, leading and caring.

As to the identified weaknesses, where there is weakness, there is also potential for growth. Darkness is exposed by light. Becoming self aware is the first step for individuals, institutions and societies to take ownership of problems and flaws, and responsibly create change. As Brené Brown notes in her book titled The Gift of Imperfections, “only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light”.

As complex human beings, the way we act or think is influenced by many variables such as our environment, DNA, uprising,…At times, consciously or unconsciously, we are caught in patterns of negative emotions or behaviors that impact us at home, work or in our relationships. Norman Vincent Peale referred to negative thinking as fertilizing weeds; other negative emotions or behaviors include anger, resentment, jealousy, perfectionism or addictions. Brené Brown, a Phd professor, lecturer and author notes in her Dare To Lead book, “when we have the courage to walk into our story and own it, we get to write the ending. And when we don’t own our stories of failure, setbacks and hurt – they own us.”

How to ditch a negative emotion or behavior?

• Assess the cost of not changing versus the cost of changing. At times, there are warning signs related to a particular negative behavior or emotion, but even when we are self-aware, we tend to minimize its potential impacts or long-term consequences; we end up normalizing somewhat the behavior or not being intentional about making a change. There are times however when things hit us loud and clear – jobs or relationships are at risk. Be realistic about the behavior/emotion and its costs. When the cost of not changing is higher than the cost of changing, it becomes very obvious that we need to make a change. If for instance, as a parent, you lose your patience way too often, because of your own unhealed wounds, as per James Hollis, an author and Jungian analyst, “the greatest gift we can give our children is our own healing.” 
• Recruit an accountability partner. It can be your spouse, best friend, a work colleague you trust. Let them know you decided to work on your emotion/behavior and that you need their help to keep your commitment and be accountable.
• Develop a help system. Identify what and who can help you sustain the change. It can be seeking and getting the professional help you might need. Or finding online or local groups, and resources that you will rely upon when you are tempted to go back to your old behavior. The idea is to develop your own microsystem of practical resources and ways to address the behavior, or to simply remind yourself why the change is needed.
• Visualize yourself living or working free of the emotion/behavior you are working on. The power of our mind -via affirmations or visualization- is the biggest tool we have to manifest changes. This is because sooner or later we default to acting according to our beliefs. As a visual learner, it’s been a breakthrough for me to understand that the simple act of writing down and seeing on paper the qualities I want to reflect make a difference in me acting in that way.
• Create a reward and self compassion system. Celebrate the wins and progress e.g. first day, week, month, year of freeing yourself of the negative behavior/emotion. Elimination all together and over night might not be possible, therefore relapses will happen. That’s when you cannot give up even in the face of failure, by being self compassionate and continuing the journey of making the change. As per Dr Kristen Neff, a widely recognized expert and founder of the Self-Compassion Research Lab, “self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism“.

Growth is a journey in part because it takes continued courage and self-awareness to peel the onion of our souls and walk into our purpose. It is not about being perfect but about embracing our imperfections and deciding to take action to work through them in love and compassion but also firmly and responsibly.

Graduations are an exciting milestone – an official culmination and recognition of the academic efforts, while a stepping stone to the future. A painter could paint this day as a wide expanse of green valleys, with lots of colorful butterflies and mountain peaks in the horizon, valleys and sky uniting in the far edges of the landscape. Observing the painting, one would feel the wind blowing, extend the arms as if touching the sky and the mountains in the horizon, and in that movement, touch lightly one of these winged souls – full of hope, excitement and fear of unknown.

Looking back to my Graduation day, this is what I would say to myself on that day:

• Yes, everything is possible. You are right to dream and to dream big. Life is full of opportunities and you are uniquely designed and equipped for your purpose. “The world is your garden”, one of my teachers used to say. Even if you only have some vague ideas of what you want to accomplish in life, don’t worry. Do the best you can where you get planted, the rest will reveal itself over time, with more adventures and experiences. As Martin Luther King Jr said “Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step”. Dreams are like a mustard seed, whatever you water and see within the realm of possible, defines the universe of your possibilities. As Henri Ford put it, “whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right“. In other words, believe you can and you will, believe you cannot and you won’t.
• No, it won’t happen overnight. Building skills and expertise takes time. Building a sustainable future and accomplishing dreams take time, commitment, plans and hard work. Joy Wilder, founder of The Brilliant Life and Micro Planning Systems brilliantly notes how every day we are planners, either by design or by default. Learning doesn’t stop at graduation – it is a perpetual activity by:
  • Developing critical thinking. Your youth gives you permission to ask questions even if they seem silly or basic. Once you understand the why and the how, then you can transform and innovate.
  • Developing a growth mindset. Anything in life can be learned. As per Carol Dweck, “In a growth mindset, people believe that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work—brains and talent are just the starting point. This view creates a love of learning and a resilience that is essential for great accomplishments“. In other words, don’t put negative labels on yourself when you don’t know something but instead put in the efforts required to learn and grow.
  • Developing resilience as obstacles and challenges will be inevitable. Reaching dreams is not a linear and fixed plan, it’s staying flexible and open to ride through the curved roads of life. Ultimately you will understand that reaching your dreams will be a byproduct of the journey and process.
• No, it won’t happen in solitude. We accomplish more when surrounded by and connected with others. In his book Elevate: Push Beyond Your Limits, Robert Glazer talks about success as an exponential function of what we know, with the exponent being who we know. In other words, the “people” aspect may be more important than “the knowledge” aspect. You land a job faster when you have a professional network. You can know a lot, but if you don’t know how to communicate and relate with others, knowledge will not get you as far as the combination of knowledge, communication and people skills will. Or you have a lot of dreams and aspirations, however your environment may be limiting you either because you may hang out with the wrong crowd or because you don’t have enough mentors for what we all need in order to grow: encouragement and feedback. As motivational speaker Jim Rohn said it, “you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with, including yourself.” Your purpose, in one way or another, is connected to and influenced by others.

Graduations are an end and the beginning to something bigger in life. To some extent, any chapter in life, be it a happy or a painful one, resembles a graduation. We are graduating certain skills, self-awareness or knowledge, and we are moving into a new chapter. We will understand at some point in our lives that there is one special type of graduation that will repeat itself in different ways and shapes throughout our life long journeys and learnings: the graduation from our mind to our heart; after each of such graduations, we journey further into a life of more growth, peace and purpose.

Fly fly butterflies!

Oftentimes resilience is built in the trenches of life. You went through something really hard or painful, and, with or without crutches, you have made it through alive. It might be something you wished it didn’t happen, or that no one should ever have to go through. Or there are the occasional crises and obstacles, that sooner or later, we all face. These COVID-19 days are also giving us a “resilience” workout.

As the 18th century Irish writer, Oliver Goldsmith said, “our greatest glory in living lies not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.” More importantly, research shows that, in fact, obstacles and hardships act as a catalyst for more engaged, authentic and motivated individuals. Take Starbucks’ former CEO, Howard Shultz, for instance. Growing up in the inner city in a very poor family, he witnessed his family’s struggles to make ends meet. When his father was laid off after an injury, with no health insurance to cover medical expenses, he vowed to build a company that his father would have been proud to work for, one that respected his employees and offered healthcare protection even for part-time employees.

So how to work the resilience muscles such that regardless of what happens to us happens for us on the long run?

• Always cling to something positive. Train yourself to see and be grateful for at least one positive thing in your life, even in the midst of the storm. As long as you can still count your blessings, you are not defeated. Hope dies last and with it, our humanity.

• Frame what the story is. Journal what’s happening, objectively frame what you are facing, possible outcomes and ultimately what may or may not be under your control. Depending on the situation, think about your worst case scenario (and see public speaking coach Maryna Shkvorets’ article on this).

• Allow yourself to feel negative emotions. If you are angry, hurt, upset…those are emotions you shouldn’t try to repress. Give those emotions the outlet required for their processing. Unresolved emotions get trapped in your body and, sooner or later, they will resurface in more toxic and emotional ways.

• Power through action. Identify one step that you could take to mitigate or minimize what’s happening. Oftentimes after you allow for your emotions to come out, or you have journaled about what you are going through, you can think more clearly in terms of next steps or actions to take. Or simply show some self compassion via an activity that you know is life-giving. Or reach out to to help those who, after all, are less fortunate than yourself – moving the focus away from your own problems will give you some respite from figuring out your own, while putting things into a more balanced perspective.

Robert Glazer, author of Elevate: Push Beyond Your Limits notes that “behind each story of achievement, you will find many untold stories of failure and adversity that needed to be overcome.  In this life, you will face unexpected setbacks; it’s just a matter of how you respond and if you keep going.”

While we can’t control what life throws at us, we can control our response. Resilience is therefore one of the most precious gifts to give ourselves – because it’s the key to a life of overcoming and with overcoming comes thriving, growth and authenticity.

To set the right expectations, acing an interview requires preparation in terms of verbal presentation, identifying why you might be the best fit for the position and communicating persuasively on such conviction.

Whatever or wherever you are interviewing for, start with the belief that you can make your mark in the process if you show up as the best and most authentic self. Irrespective of your level of experience compared to other candidates, your skillset, character, values and potential do set you apart.

How to demonstrate that you are the best candidate in an interview process?

• Do due-diligence on your prospective employer prior to going into the interview. Candidates who struggle to come up with a few descriptive items on the prospective organisation and its mission, or fail to be specific in their interest might make it to the top of the list based on experience and skills, but if two candidates score the same in all except of the specific interest shown, the candidate displaying the most specific interest in the organization or industry is more likely to move to the next phase in the interviewing process.
• Find out who you will be interviewing with. In most cases, you will receive ahead of time information on your interviewers – names and job titles. You could think about the type of questions that they would ask based on their roles. If you understand their potential pain points, you will better relate during the interviews. Such connection will also give you a better chance to understand how you will be interacting with those folks, and ultimately, if the team and role are, after all, a good fit for you.
• Increase your level of energy. Interviewing for a position can be draining and emotional especially if the role appears as the ideal next step for you or if you are in desperate need of getting a (new) job. Pressure and anxiety may take a toll on your confidence and presence. Don’t wallow in those negative emotions and show your strength and motivation for getting this role by doing whatever is necessary to get yourself back in the zone. Reach out to your coach, friends or mentors to regain a peak state in terms of energy and self confidence. Or do whatever works for you (e.g. going to the gym, meditating, listening to music) to reach your peak mental performance. Such positive vibe will make you a more memorable candidate, with enough energy and strength to take on the world.
• Be mindful about underselling or overselling your experience and expertise. There is a balance to achieve in terms of communicating on your prior experience and expertise. If your communication is too light or informal, it could falsely signal a low level of experience. The opposite is true as well – complicated and complex terms, used to oversell experience and skillsets could easily be ground for questioning that at the end would only demonstrate a shallow level of experience. Balance your responses with practical examples of your achievements – this will be a better and more honest way to demonstrate your expertise in a professional way.
• Know your learning curve in the role. It can be one of the questions asked. Or you can talk about it, which demonstrates your expectations going into the job are realistic, while knowing what your focus will be on during the first few days, weeks or months on the job. This may also give clues to organizations as to the appropriate support to be put in place for you for a smooth transition and successful integration.
• Prepare your answers to classical questions. They are called classical because they are being asked often in an interview. Those are questions like what your biggest strengths, weaknesses, achievements or failures are, or what are your leadership style, strategy and vision for the new role. Even if these questions are ultimately not being asked, you have rehearsed them enough to be able to more easily and naturally place positives, examples and stories on your strengths into the discussion. Same goes for questions to ask back – for instance on the role, company or its culture. This will spare you some moments of awkwardness if you have no questions for your interviewers.

Preparing for an interview is ultimately digging inside you to find out what makes you, you, then to communicate explicitly, compellingly and enthusiastically on the alignment between your most authentic and best self and the advertised position. It becomes easy when you have done the “digging” work and at times after going through a number of interviews – as Steve Maraboly says “rejection is just redirection to something better”.