Those who know me well know I love hot yoga…I love the feeling of being hot especially during cold winter days and of pushing through 26 poses that challenge both my body and mind. During one such awesome class with heat above 105 Fahrenheit, the instructor told us the following: “Let me tell you a secret: we all suffer…[students laughing]…but who can suffer with grace?”.

Since that class, I’ve been pondering over the concept of “suffering with grace”. Aging with grace is a more popular concept … but what about suffering with grace?

The word grace can be described in many ways, but one potent meaning is “ease and suppleness of movement or bearing“ as per Merriam-Webster dictionary. Add suffering to this ease of movement or bearing… and what do we get?

First, to not suffer with grace is easier to characterize than to suffer with grace. Let’s think about behaviors like anger, depression, addictions, and so on. Grace is absent here because under such behaviors, we have fallen prey to the suffering and denied our emotions, the absolute act of suffering and with it, our own healing.

So, to suffer with grace is first about accepting that suffering is part of our human story. In very simple terms, suffering can be defined as an experience or condition we wouldn’t want to live through – if we had a choice – but that is happening or has happened to us. Acceptance is the first step of suffering with grace, as it allows us to embrace, then move through suffering. The act of an embrace is seizing someone or something. Embracing suffering is therefore confining and framing it as a temporary state or condition. We then start moving through it and through any feelings of pain or other negative emotions…

Grace in suffering is also about not getting stuck in our pain, grief, anger or disappointment. In the book “Letting Go, The Pathway to Surrender”, dr David Hawkins talks about the importance of letting feelings come and go: “Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it.”  Staying stuck in pain or other negative feelings will unconsciously paint our inner and outer world, as per dr David: “when the pressure of suppressed and repressed feelings exceeds the individual’s tolerance level, the mind will create an event “out there” upon which to vent and displace itself. Thus, the person with a lot of repressed grief will unconsciously create sad events in life. The fearful person precipitates frightening experiences; the angry person becomes surrounded by infuriating circumstances; and the prideful person is constantly being insulted.”

Grace helps us to see that suffering is a fluid and temporary condition that takes us to a new version of ourselves, one grown stronger as result of the suffering. Grace is accepting that we might not always immediately comprehend the meaning of suffering but trusting that one day, we will understand it. Suffering might come back – often the case of trauma survivors- but its meaning has been perfected and the grace of suffering acquired like a new taste.

To suffer with grace is to understand that: (1) how we frame suffering determines what we get out of it and ultimately who we become; and (2) we might not be able to control what suffering crosses our paths of life, but we can control how we frame it. Building the ability to frame the meaning of any suffering in a way that expands rather than constricts life is at the end a critical survival and thriving factor … for a life that remains good despite adversities and setbacks. Holocaust survivor and psychiatrist, dr. Viktor Frankl majestically states in the “Man’s Search for Meaning”, one of the most read books of many generations: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

Lastly, to suffer with grace is removing the stigma of suffering.

We all suffer… from time to time or more often …

We all suffer… for similar or different reasons …

Suffering is woven in all our growth stories…

Hiding our suffering is not suffering with grace. We extend grace to suffering when shame, stigma and self-judgement are not attached to our act of suffering….

This might mean sharing our stories of suffering, with a potential for richer lives and relationships. As Brené Brown beautifully puts it in her writings about vulnerability: “We don’t have to do all of it alone. We were never meant to.” Or it might simply mean keeping our stories to ourselves but keeping our heads up and our hearts in peace even in the midst of turbulent times and our suffering… The inner knowing and conviction that everything will work out for the better bring courage and grace to our suffering, and fuel compassion and self-compassion, a necessity for sustained grace.

Grace in suffering also does something very important: it brings solutions and breakthroughs to problems, courage to seek help and resources, or new perspectives. As poet and memoirist Maya Angelou said it: “If you don’t like something, change it. If you can’t change it, change your attitude”. 

We all suffer but who can suffer with grace….?