2023 is one of these years that I wouldn’t want to let go off – so good and extraordinary. Thank you 2023!
As I reflect on what has made 2023 an extraordinary year, a few insights transpire:
– An extraordinary experience is lived twice, as it starts with what we allow ourselves to dream of.
– An extraordinary experience might often time follow days, weeks, months or years of consistent action, planning, hard work and efforts.
– An extraordinary experience can be an unexpected blessing if we open ourselves up to receiving what an abundant Universe has in stock for each one of us.
An extraordinary year is not one devoid of sad moments or experiences, growing pains or frustrations. It is a year during which we know ourselves deep enough to walk our paths of life boldly –
– with confidence that things will work out no matter the storms that might come our way;
– with grace when we set and express boundaries and expectations for ourselves and these around us;
– with compassion, judging less and loving more, be it ourselves or these we interact with;
– with broader perspectives when emotions might overwhelm us or when we only see pieces of our life and relationships puzzle;
– with wisdom and patience as we sail away into our destinies, one experience and one year at a time;
– with sharp focus, aligned with our values and priorities, while being open to shifts in perspectives, how we think or what we do to reach our destinations.
May 2024 be a healthy and expansive year, with extraordinary growth in our journeys!
One of my favorite poems at the beginning of a new year:
“This is the beginning of a new day. God has given me this day to use as I will.
I can waste it or use it for good, but what I do today is important because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.
When tomorrow comes, this day will be gone forever, leaving in its place something that I have traded for it.
I want it to be gain and not loss; good and not evil; success and not failure; in order that I shall not regret the price I have paid for it.”
Finding our way to a fulsome life is a goal and yearning that we all share. It might take different pathways and timelines, but we all know when we have got there. It is that place and time in life when, irrespective of external circumstances, met or unmet personal and professional goals, we live with self-awareness and compassion vis-a-vis ourselves and, subsequently, these around us. It is that time and place in our lives when we recognize we are all on a journey to self-love, and that behind many of our aspirations, shortcomings and frustrations, it is just that – a deep desire for feeling loved, appreciated, and understood.
The journey to a fulsome life is rarely a straight line. It usually zigzags across many chapters and experiences of life, through hills and valleys, deserts and seas, sunsets and sunrises, storms and rainbows… We know we are nearing the destination when the following starts to happen:
We are in touch with our body and needs. This practice is under-rated in our busy lifestyles. At times, it takes a breaking point or getting close to a breaking point -mentally or physically – to realize how important it is to listen to our bodies. This might take the form of getting the rest we need or medical attention in a particular area, better nutrition or practicing walking or a new physical activity. Thinking back to how our bodies have carried us through over years and different experiences of life (e.g. including birthing if you are a mom), it is hard not to be in awe at the strength and dignity of our bodies. And beyond the physical needs, there can also be emotional needs impacting our bodies. The extreme might be coming from traumatic experiences. “The body keeps the score” as per psychiatrist Bessel Van der Kolk, as traumatic memories can get stuck in our bodies and come as fragments of images, physical sensations or intense emotions. Unhealed and unprocessed trauma can lead to mental or physical health issues, as well as tendencies to numb emotional pain via destructive behaviors vis-a-vis our bodies.
We are in touch with our emotions. This practice is also under-rated in our systems of learning and lives. Teaching about emotions seems to stop in pre-school years, despite the fact that the way we deal with both positive and negative emotions is key to a healthy and joyful life. Dr. David Hawkins in his book “Letting Go, the Pathway of Surrender” talks about the importance of not suppressing or repressing emotions: “Letting go involves being aware of a feeling, letting it come up, staying with it, and letting it run its course without wanting to make it different or do anything about it. It means simply to let the feeling be there and to focus on letting out the energy behind it.” It is equally important to allow ourselves to sit with our negative emotions in order to let go of them, as it is to make space for our positive emotions which amplify the beauty and gifts of our life, relationships and the present moment. And this is important because more often unconsciously rather than consciously, “what we are holding inside colors our world“: “To the fearful person, this world is a terrifying place. To the angry person, this world is a chaos of frustration and vexation.”
We practice self-compassion which in turns leads to compassion towards others. This practice is often misunderstood or mis-applied. Self-love is not about unhealthy egocentric behaviors which we can fall prey to when putting ourselves and our needs first. Self-love is about us becoming our ultimate best friend and cheerleader in a way that cultivates not the strongest of egos but a compassionate human being. When we show ourselves self-compassion in the purest of ways, we can also more easily share this gift with these around us. When we forgive ourselves for our shortcomings or work-in-progress, we can also more easily forgive others for their shortcomings or imperfections. At times, self-compassion takes the form of setting boundaries; other times, it is building new bridges and reaching out to others with the yoke of judgement surrendered. Dr. Kristen Neff sums it up perfectly in her book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself“: “When we’re mainly filtering our experience through the ego, constantly trying to improve or maintain our high self-esteem, we’re denying ourselves the thing we actually want most. To be accepted as we are, an integral part of something much greater than our small selves. Unbounded. Immeasurable. Free.”
A fulsome life is one where self-awareness and self-love are an anchor and a north star for who we are and what we do. None of this means relinquishing earthly goals and ambitions. It simply recognizes that self-love and self-awareness are catalysts to a fulfilled life. In the long history of humanity, a fulsome life is like a pebble creating a reverberating effect in the ocean of our intertwined lives:
“Just as ripples spread out when a single pebble is dropped into the water, the actions of individuals can have far-reaching effects” — Dalai Lama.
Sunrise on the Deep Creek Lake, Maryland, United States
Achieving goals follows the iceberg theory – achievements and accolades are externally observable similarly to the iceberg floating over the surface of an ocean, but the underlying behaviors, supporting meeting these goals, are like the part of the iceberg which is beneath the water.
So what does reaching goals mean? The response includes:
Being committed enough to make concerted efforts and take specific actions towards the achievement of a set goal. You can engage in blue-sky thinking, an approach discovered by psychologist Charles Garfield, which entails looking at your life as if there are no limits to what you can achieve. But a goal doesn’t (always) need to be a lofty target. It can simply be an improvement you wish to achieve in an area of your life. Another way to look at goals is an unorthodox one, that Mel Robbins, a New York Times best seller author, podcast host and renowned coach, suggests: pay attention to any feelings of jealousy you might harbor; “jealousy is blocked desire” (e.g. by your fears, doubts or overthinking) as per Mel, thus it can serve to identify goals you might not have considered or allowed yourself to dream about. Furthermore, commitment means doing the work, often times, the very hard work, to meet your goal. It ultimately means taking responsibility for defining and adjusting a plan for goal execution and staying honest about your progress against your goal.
Acknowledging that it is not about the goal itself, it is about the process and growth required to get to your destination. This mainly means to focus on things you can control. Map out steps, milestones or specific actions required to reach your goal and enjoy making progress on a mapped-out itinerary. Especially when it’s about a goal you cannot fully control (e.g. a promotion, buying a property, or getting married), it is fundamental that you focus on achieving the growth associated with that particular goal rather than getting attached to meeting it under some subjective or random timelines. The risk of missing a goal is higher when the focus is not on how to grow yourself to the level of your goal. Furthermore, a set goal might require a more profound type of growth, encompassing multiple areas of life. For instance, expertise and great knowledge in a professional sector might make someone a great individual contributor, but without leadership skills and presence, that individual’s career opportunities will likely not expand to positions of leadership. Likewise, succeeding professionally in a way that burns bridges with others, or at the risk of strained family relationships would challenge the notion of success for that individual.
Expecting to get discouraged or make mistakes when on the journey to achieve a specific goal. The path to achieving goals is rarely linear. Steven Handel, author of Small Habits, Big Changes makes the point that “our patience is strongest when we have a healthy expectation of future difficulties and obstacles. Get ready to be challenged. Get ready to make mistakes. Get ready to fail. And make sure you are ready to keep moving forward no matter what happens.” These moments of discouragement are when re-commitment to what drives you the most is necessary in order to not give up on your goals. It is also a time when you might need your support network the most and when surrounding yourself with like-minded individuals can be the lifeboat in a stormy ocean.
Celebrating and owning your achievements. This might seem cliché but moving from one goal to another without acknowledgement of what you might have just accomplished can lead to burnout and life dissatisfaction. It is for your own healthy self that you mark meeting your goal in a celebratory way. Remember how much you wished for your goal to become a reality and how hard you worked for it. Would you celebrate your kids or best friends if this was their accomplishment? The answer is a resounding “Yes!”, isn’t it? It is not only about a symbolic celebration, but it is also about owning your achievement, which could be a process in itself. It might entail not succumbing to some impostor syndrome or arrogance that might surface, or not going back to some old-sabotaging patterns of thinking or behavior.
Setting and reaching goals are an important part of life. It doesn’t mean everything is good 100% of the time and goals are always achieved. But it is ultimately a lifestyle which leads to more fulfillment, peace, presence and success over time. When you are clear about your values-driven goals and pursue them in a healthy way, you reap more meaning and happiness in life. And chances are that the people close to you are also happier around the best version of yourself. In summary,
“Success is not a destination, it’s a journey.” – Zig Ziglar
World-class athletes and successful entrepreneurs easily come to mind when thinking high performance and that is rightly so. However, the reality is that we are not all to be elite athletes, scientists and Nobel Prize recipients…. High performance can be defined as an above-average ability to create results with the resources, skills and talents at hand. Irrespective of what these results look like – e.g. gold medal at the Olympics or a successful swim meet – there is a pattern that can be observed across individuals sharing this way of living and being.
While there is a lot to write and say about high performance and productivity, the following ingredients stand out for high performers:
– Clarity in what they want to achieve: Clear goals are the starting point for high performance. High performers know that it is important to be clear on what their goals are, and if they find themselves unclear about their long-term aspirations, they start with short-term goals. They think in terms of what is it that they want to change, improve, or do over the next few months or year(s)… Or they simply think about their top priorities as an initial set of goals. Ultimately, high performers understand that goals drive priorities and that’s when higher levels of performance start. High performers also understand the pitfall of attempting to go for too many goals at the same time- which is a set-up for feeling overwhelmed or for giving up on goals.
– Drive and determination: High-performers are driven individuals. They like to challenge themselves, keep growing in what they do or areas of interest to them, and hold themselves to high standards – not for the sake of fame, acolytes, a promotion or more financial wealth, but because they are intrinsically pulled to reach new horizons and their potentials. Their determination might be anchored in a genuine desire to help others around them or achieve a particular outcome that would make a difference (e.g. a cause); in some cases, this desire came about after a negative experience such as a dysfunctional environment or a traumatic event. Even if such past experience was and might remain a source of hurt or grief, it is the experience in itself that has transformed these individuals, acting as a catalyst for extraordinary levels of determination and strength, and for finding purpose. It is what psychologists refer to post-traumatic growth. But not all high performers have trauma in their lives. High performers have drive and determination, fueled by the understanding of and acting upon their unique set of values: e.g. if someone values providing support to unprivileged kids in under-developed countries for instance, his or her efforts will be fueled by this desire.
– Focus and removal of distractions: High performers know they need focus. Anecdotally, as a high performer myself, I recall how as a kid excelling in school, my parents always told me to focus on school, while they took care of the rest. This might seem mundane; but they did that with a lot of sacrifices. That clear direction – to focus on school at the time- built a habit in me to stay focused on and be responsible for my number one goal. High performers also understand very well that one focus killer is multitasking, a performance myth over the last decade. Studies show that tasks take in fact longer when multitasking and ultimately performance is hurt. High performers are also not shy about shunning social media, another enemy of focus, or removing distractions in their environments. For instance, they understand that social media creates a risk of mindless scrolling, brain fog, and zapped energy levels (same as lack of sleep!) and might revert more often to social media breaks as a way to re-energize, be more present and gain some time and energy back for their own goals and the relationships they want to prioritize outside a virtual environment.
– Planning systems that lead to new disciplines and tactics: High performers know that having a good memory and to-do lists is helpful but not an enabler of sustained high performance – sooner or later, such system fails or overwhelms. High performers are typically using planning tools (e.g. planners) to enhance performance via the regular exercise of writing down specific goals and targets for each day, week, month and year, with thought-through tactics and timelines for achieving them. Planners also typically include a regular progress review which helps to identify challenges, breaking points, areas of concern and improvement, as well as to experiment with new disciplines and tactics. High performers understand two big realities. First, high performance cannot be achieved overnight. Second, good habits, disciplines and tactics have a compounding effect (e.g. reading 20 minutes to a young kid translate into 121 hours or 5 full days of reading in one year). Likewise, negative habits compound with higher costs over time including negative outcomes such as disease, addictions or depression.
– Self-care and fun: High-performers are not overworked and stressed out, although there are certainly blind spots with being a doer or times when these feelings might be present. High performers understand that sustained high performance requires rest and relaxation, and having fun … they are, after all, human beings and not human doers. A common denominator for high performers is that they are finding or attempting to find genuine ways to take care of their souls, minds and bodies. For some, fun might look like a party with friends, for others, it is reading a book or going on a hike. And besides understanding what their self-care and fun needs really are (and experimenting with that), high performers are also carving out this area in their planning and strategy.
High performance is not an ability we are born with, but one we need to use and strengthen … just as a muscle. It can start with the framework above and continue with refining a high performance recipe that works for you, some days with more determination, other days with more disciplining….
Ultimately, the conduit for high performance is the understanding that we are responsible for our own actions and that, as per actor and comedian, Julia Louis-Dreyfus,
“The best way to make a difference in the world is to start by making a difference in your own life.”
2022 is coming to a close and whether you are a fan or not of new year’s resolutions, vision boards, and alike, a minimum of reflection and introspection is due as part of our evolutionary human nature.
So here is my brief reflection for 2022.
2022 wasn’t an extraordinary year by external feats. On the surface, it was an ordinary year at the risk of calling it quite plain – same jobs, same kids routines, some local or regional outings and some new and old friendships. When I count some heartbreak and COVID, the balance could be negative although that is an exaggeration.
However, upon more careful reflection, 2022 was a gift in its ordinality for two main reasons. First, anything that becomes ordinary in our days and lives constitutes at the end the foundation which anchors us during storms of life and propels us for growth, new experiences, breakthroughs and success. Second, without the distractions of the extraordinary, the ordinary takes us on a journey of constant appreciation and examination of what we hold dear in our lives, and what serves and energizes us in the realm of “ordinary” things, people and experiences.
While I envision 2023 as an extraordinary year with many extraordinary experiences and success, 2022 showed me the gift of an “ordinary” year.
Therefore, whether our 2023 will range on the spectrum of ordinary or extraordinary, or somewhere in between, my hope is that every one of us will see the gift in it.
There are two sayings that I love for the beginning of a new year:
“Judge each day not by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant”
“Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.”
I love birthdays and new years because they are packed with anticipation, excitement and hope for what’s ahead.
Entering a new decade of life calls for a longer reflection. So what have the last decade and life to date taught me the most?
– Impossible is possible. I am not referring to physical miracles but to the fact that there is so much to give and receive in this journey of life, decade after decade, some of which not even part of our wildest dreams or design of life. This is because life has an embedded potential to get transformed and grow beyond our expectations and imaginations. This is why growth is a journey which often times starts with us taking an initial step, oblivious to the unimaginable transformations, breakthroughs and growth that can be found on the other side of taking action.
– Challenges and negative emotions are a part of life. As much as we long for perpetual happiness, life happens and with it, challenges, frustrations, grief, anger, and sadness. The more we try to ignore or dismiss our negative feelings and experiences, the harder it becomes to go through them and emerge stronger as result of these feelings or experiences. In fact, looking back at defining moments in my life, some are loaded with heartache. We cannot control what life throws at us, but we can use these experiences as catalyst for growth, to shape our identity and bring out the essence of who we are and who we can become.
– Love and self-love are mandatory ingredients for walking the valleys and mountains of life and what makes us human. Irrespective of our starting points and experiences in life, love and self-love are a conduit for fulfillment. This can be the experience of becoming a parent which from a day to another expands the definition of unconditional love in a most profound way. Or simply the experience of forgiving one self or another person which might require us to confront some of our past experiences, limiting beliefs or mistruths that no longer serve us. And when self love or love for another is found again, giving and receiving love are an act of genuine being, which helps bring the best in ourselves and these around us.
– Environment matters. What and who we surround ourselves with have a strong influence on our thinking and actions. And our thoughts and actions ultimately define our characters and lives. We might not always be at liberty to choose our environments, but we can aim to have the discernment to amplify the positive encounters, experiences and relationships in our lives. It can be the brief interaction with a stranger who offers us a compliment on a day we feel lost. Or these friends who seem to always know to share a word of encouragement or wisdom when we most need it. Or these individuals in our lives who are a source of challenge when we might find ourselves a little too complacent or unaware of the need to grow.
And no matter what your own life reflections might be, there is one truth that applies to us all as per an often quoted saying: “today is the first day of the rest of your life“. Make it your day…!
From time to time, a few moments before my son’s eyelids close for a good night sleep, he challenges me to “Truth or Dare”. It was one of these moments that got me thinking how powerful this challenge could be in a grown-ups world.
Imagine “truth or dare” applied vis-a-vis our actions, relationships, emotions,…
Imagine:
– Truth in acknowledging our emotions and feelings, sometimes by finally discerning through what our bodies and minds might be telling us.
– Truth in acknowledging our shortcomings, as well as of those around us, without compromising nor losing compassion or the will to find a way to make things better or make ourselves better.
– Daring to act on that gut feeling even when there seems to be so many reasons for not following through with it; or daring to take that first step even if the full staircase is out of sight.
– Daring to listen to who we are, even if that means experimenting with actions and reactions to get to the bottom of our true selves.
– Daring to live life fully, during both valleys and peaks, by striving to grow from each encounter and experience of life, and perfecting the recipe of love for life, oneself, and those around us.
“Truth or dare”because today is the day that is given to us to break free from our old selves and grow closer to who we are meant to become.
It has been several months since my last post. A hiatus wasn’t in my plan, but it came about with the inability to find time for my creative self initially week after week, then month after month. It is not in my high-performer nature to lack intention, but this unintended break has taught me to let myself experience life in a more spontaneous and compassionate way.
Welcome hiatus. Why?
It takes self-compassion and love to allow ourselves to sit with our emotions and needs, and quiet down voices that no longer serve us.
It takes self-awareness to know that we might be drifting away from something or someone and stay in peace about it.
It takes reconnecting with who we are and responding to life, people and events in sync and acceptance of ourselves, our values and boundaries.
It takes love for ourselves and/or others to prioritize what the real needs might be, even if or even when it takes a journey of discovery, mistakes, victories, disappointments, and new excitement.
When we pause, we allow ourselves to reflect and course-correct. When we pause, we take ownership of our own lives and actions. When we pause, we reconnect with the better parts of ourselves and our humanity.
A hiatus thus becomes a stop for purposeful living.
A 20-day challenge to “reflect, recenter and refuel” which started last October could be well thought of as a fiasco as I have yet to finalize it. Five days into the challenge, the “de-clutter your bedroom or office” turned from a one-day undertaking to well over two months of deep decluttering. From room to room and closet to closet, I’ve ended up disposing of a lot of things and leaving a good amount of order behind.
So what has the act of decluttering taught me to the point of making it the topic of my writing today?
First, the hoarding of a number of papers, printed reports and articles over the last several years made me realize how many good intentions we have day after day – e.g. I will read that report, I will take that class, I will make the phone call – which are not followed through. We might be too busy, we might be unrealistic in overly ambitious expectations, or we might simply fail to act. So the lesson of bags of old papers that are too outdated to read today showed me how important it is to follow through. Once we have a vision of what we need to do or accomplish, today is the day to embrace that dream, plan and implement. Procrastination and lack of determination and decisiveness don’t serve us. That’s the bottom line. Failure to act today is missing on the chance of being who we could be tomorrow and in the future.
Second, the act of decluttering led to clarity and some amount of peace. It felt like a new start. Making space physically and mentally brought clarity on what I had to discard and why, as well as on what I needed to do next and why. Decluttering forced me to take stock of what’s old and not needed any longer, while making a conscious decision on what items I wanted to hold on to, or which could be added in the future – both in my professional and personal lives. To some extent, decluttering was taking stock of who I have become and of my values, and deciding what still fits me or not, and what still serves me or not,….
Third, decluttering helped me relive some emotions… the old dress I wore at a wedding, old birthday cards received from family and friends, my kids ‘artwork from kindergarten… the activity was a sweet ride down the memory lane over the span of several years…. Decluttering became a good reminder of how important it is to keep the memories of meaningful experiences alive, and to honor the journey.
Decluttering -be it of material items or of mental thoughts- has the powerful effect of bringing clarity, order, and a renewed motivation and determination to do more and be more.
And if you don’t have days, weeks or months to spend on decluttering, then think of proxy decluttering. For instance:
What is the one thing you need to do today or what is the one thing (or many) that can in fact be left undone today?
What is the one thought to keep today and the one (or many) thoughts to discard?
What is the one action to plan for today and the one (or many) to put on hold?
As Gary Keller noted in #1 Wall Street Journal bestseller “The One Thing”: “The ONE Thing sits at the heart of success and is the starting point for achieving extraordinary results”.
As 2021 comes to an end, this is a time to reflect upon the events of the year with its highlights, lows, successes and lessons learned. We owe this reflection to ourselves, even if sometimes all we want to do is burry the negative in the past. Reflecting on the positive – the wins – has the added benefit of anchoring our lives into a soil of increased confidence and hope. And who doesn’t need such anchor when we face the unknown of a new year….with the COVID pandemic still threatening lives, communities and economies.
Perhaps not unsurprisingly, some lessons learned in 2021 center around change:
Change happens if we take responsibility for it. Whatever changes we need or desire start with us committing to them and taking the time and resources required for such changes. It could be as simple as planning more family outings – which in turn will result in more quality time and stronger family bonds. In other words, fun times rarely happen by accident or by consuming social media feeds, we are the main characters of our lives and taking the driver’s seat is the surest way to reach our destination. Any change in any area of life starts with clarity about what we want or need to change, and taking ownership for envisioning, planning and executing on the desired outcome.
Change rarely happens overnight. Momentum is built over time by being consistent in our behaviors and pursuing the actions we need to take in order to bring the desired change or progress. At some point or for particular changes, the momentum is so strong that the transformation becomes obvious to ourselves or others around us. And in this process of changing, we might find new cheerleaders and connections, while, at times, partying ways with some old ones.
Change is dynamic and ultimately a perpetual state. There are always changes to aspire to, or that become obvious needs in our lives. We are going from one destination to another, from one life transition to another, from one unforeseen event to another, from one emotion to another … Change is a perpetual condition of life. Building the life skills of navigating and adapting to change and thriving under an always-changing condition of life are paramount to moving forward in life.
Change cannot be rushed. Irrespective of how much we wish for something and do all the right things, some changes can only happen after some pre-requisite lessons, conditions or events have occurred. Passage of time or going through a particular life experience (e.g. a relationship breaking apart, a career or house move) are at times the only bridge to a particular change or outcome. Learning to discern when not to force a change versus forging ahead full speed, as well as learning to accept some life changes and events that are out of our control, both are a powerful catalyst for becoming who we are meant to be and growing into the best version of ourselves.
Some needed changes are often linked to our strongest (oftentimes negative) emotions. If we pay attention to and lean into what our strongest emotions are telling us, we often times identify what the biggest changes should be for us to break through from what might be holding us back or away from our potential and usually a happier life. For instance, anger is often the result of holding back forgiveness. If we look deep inside and embrace that particular emotion, we receive a key to change – e.g. make peace with the past or with a particular person- which typically involves some level of healing and growing.
Change provides for an up-to-date roadmap to our priorities, reflective of our values. The more we are in touch with our values, the more we can consciously prioritize required changes to live in alignment with such values. Change becomes a constant act of accountability and alignment, which feeds into a loop that clarifies and preserves our values and priorities. Sometimes it takes hardship or a crisis to understand the importance of a particular value, but once understood, we strive to make a change and build a system, habits and plans around it.
2021 has been a gift unwrapping the powerful impact of continued change. The grace of change comes when we continue to grow and be transformed into a better version of ourselves, one which is truer to our essence and values.
May life-given and purpose-driven change be with us all in the new year!
There is a lot of literature about well-being, and living a balanced life, as a roadmap to a fulfilled life. Touted sometimes as the “new rich”, well-being is marketed as a secret passage to a life of happiness and wisdom, and the opposite of doing or having it all or as much as possible, as directed by societal aspirations and ambitions that we might get trapped in. Indeed, our modern lifestyles tend to blurr the lines between business and personal hours, and oftentimes, high achievers are conditioned to keep going from one milestone to another, from one success to another, from one task to another … This can eventually lead to burnout or dissatisfaction, a feeling that something is missing or that somehow or somewhere, we got lost in the noises of the world and society. One might find himself or herself rejecting either one or the other lifestyle, and with this rejection, either burn and crash, or risk being a little too complacent and deny himself or herself a natural potential for growth. In this mist of potentially good or bad ways, one lifestyle emerges as an enlightened way – a lifestyle called “being”. Not “well-being”, and not “super-being”, but simply “being”. A quote by deceased American make-up artist and author, Kevin Aucoin, could sum it up: “Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up, I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain… To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices – today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.”
So what is “being” after all and how much of that is “well-being” or “super-being”? Being is becoming as conscious as possible about our thoughts, values, choices and actions. Being becomes a lifestyle when it is a dynamic reflection of our continued experiences and experiments – sometimes with too much well-being or with too much burn and crash. By being, we give ourselves the space and freedom to experience a spectrum of outcomes and emotions, and constantly calibrate our lifestyles between dimensions of well-being and super-being.
The essence of being is finding our “roots” regardless of what’s happening around us or to us, and taking space and presence such that we remain in congruence with our needs and the needs of those around us. Being is derived from the experiences and emotions we live and not the things we consume, it is coming -sometimes in unexpected ways – with experiences that wake us up to what we might be truly needing or defining us but that we had not known up to that point. Once we experience the “being”, there is no turning back, because we understand that this path is uniquely ours to define and live – having gained more awareness and understanding about our true needs, desires and aspirations.
As a composer breathes new life into old music, so too a lifestyle of “being” is the oxygen to an authentic and rich life.
Some strategies and tactics conducive to a lifestyle of “being”:
– make it a practice to be intentional, present and a good listener, regardless of the circumstances or roles you find yourself in.
– keep experiencing with new skills, new ways of doing or responding to events or others, new activities and hobbies. In other words, cultivate a growth mindset and keep looking for ways to grow.
– simplify and declutter. The more overwhelmed you feel, the more simplification might be required to stay afloat or thrive. The easiest way to achieve a goal is to focus on it and avoid distractions or being spread out too thin. It is harder to simplify when you are a high performer or genuinely have many goals, but sometimes less is more and can be the breakthrough to getting to the next level or experiencing well-being and balance.
– get back up after you tripped. Disappointments, failure or frustrations are unavoidable parts of life. Sooner or later, we will experience negative events or emotions. Making the best of something negative, and finding a way to rebound and grow stronger from a bad experience or event is a recipe for inner growth.
– caring is sharing. Self care and care for others are the most efficient ways to reconnect with ourselves and these around us. Caring, sharing, and being vulnerable are a conduit for building positive emotions, resilience and hope in humanity and our own journeys. Being doesn’t happen “on our own” but in connection and connectivity with our tribe, environment and community.
Being is ultimately taking a driver’s seat to life with its ups and downs, and building an unique path of life by the experience of “being” across each experience, event, and decisions we made or face.
As per Merriam Webster dictionary, the impostor syndrome is defined as “a psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one’s abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one’s ongoing success“. While there are negative implications if we let the impostor syndrome paralyze us, it is a normal part of our evolution and growth.
In its purest form, the impostor syndrome can reflect a beautiful part of our souls, in particular, the humbleness and honesty we demonstrate by acknowledging how little we know compared to a vast ocean of information, expertise, skills and knowledge that can be acquired during a lifetime or in a specific area. Paradoxically, it can also reflect, although not that intuitively, a good amount of self-confidence over what we know we can become or can do more…even if it doesn’t appear as an immediate achievable outcome. In other words, the impostor syndrome is signaling the potential that we know deeply within us we can tap into further. The impostor syndrome can therefore fuel a continued state of determination, grit and growth mindset, exerting enough pressure and positive stress for us to always improve.
There can be some cyclicity to it as well. In its initial phase, the impostor syndrome can manifest itself more like shyness and lack of self-confidence. However, as we experience real growth, the impostor syndrome tends to loose its grip, because the pull becomes stronger than the push. The pull of who we are becoming is stronger than the push of the past, the fake or limiting beliefs, or the voice inside us who was once a dominating and sabotaging force in our lives… The power of genuine growth manifests itself in that every day, we wake up firmer and more confident in who we are becoming and the why that drives our determination, resourcefulness and perseverance. To get to this phase, it likely took fears, trials, and experimenting with feeling uncomfortable. The impostor syndrome is therefore an indicator that we are growing, perhaps at a higher-than-average speed. In this process and journey of becoming who we are meant to be, we discover than feeling uncomfortable and even “exposed” is actually the path to growth. The impostor syndrome can therefore be the runaway to reaching our potential and dreams.
If you are feeling the impostor syndrome in any area of your life, quiet down for a little and acknowledge your feelings and fears. It can give you great insight into how you can use the impostor syndrome as a catalyst for growth. For instance, if you are a young professional feeling shy and inadequate in a meeting with senior executives, you can spend more time practicing deep breathing and power poses to grow your ability to stay calm and confident in high-stake meetings. If you are a seasoned professional grappling with feelings of not being or doing enough, engage in some authentic feedback discussions with your peers or leaders to more objectively assess how well you are doing, and what your areas of strength or improvement really are.
Regardless of where you are in the impostor syndrome cycle, three powerful truths are key to making the impostor syndrome work for you and not against you:
Be compassionate with yourself and don’t be afraid to fail: failures and mistakes are actually the path to success. As Henry Ford noted, “failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.”
Change anxiety into enthusiasm: don’t make it about yourself and your fears… but about the people you serve, the values you hold dear, and the bigger picture.
Take action: even if you feel scared, identify the one step you could take to move forward even if that means to do the exact thing you are feeling uncomfortable about. You will be working your “growth” muscles, until one day, you are perfecting your art instead of waiting for the perfect plan and timing.
With the impostor syndrome most likely to impact, in fact, high-achievers and high-performers, remember the saying from motivational speaker Denis Waitley: “It’s not who you are that holds you back; it’s who you think you are not.”
Growth Is A Journey 