World-class athletes and successful entrepreneurs easily come to mind when thinking high performance and that is rightly so. However, the reality is that we are not all to be elite athletes, scientists and Nobel Prize recipients…. High performance can be defined as an above-average ability to create results with the resources, skills and talents at hand. Irrespective of what these results look like – e.g. gold medal at the Olympics or a successful swim meet – there is a pattern that can be observed across individuals sharing this way of living and being.

While there is a lot to write and say about high performance and productivity, the following ingredients stand out for high performers:

– Clarity in what they want to achieve: Clear goals are the starting point for high performance. High performers know that it is important to be clear on what their goals are, and if they find themselves unclear about their long-term aspirations, they start with short-term goals. They think in terms of what is it that they want to change, improve, or do over the next few months or year(s)… Or they simply think about their top priorities as an initial set of goals. Ultimately, high performers understand that goals drive priorities and that’s when higher levels of performance start. High performers also understand the pitfall of attempting to go for too many goals at the same time- which is a set-up for feeling overwhelmed or for giving up on goals.

– Drive and determination: High-performers are driven individuals. They like to challenge themselves, keep growing in what they do or areas of interest to them, and hold themselves to high standards – not for the sake of fame, acolytes, a promotion or more financial wealth, but because they are intrinsically pulled to reach new horizons and their potentials. Their determination might be anchored in a genuine desire to help others around them or achieve a particular outcome that would make a difference (e.g. a cause); in some cases, this desire came about after a negative experience such as a dysfunctional environment or a traumatic event. Even if such past experience was and might remain a source of hurt or grief, it is the experience in itself that has transformed these individuals, acting as a catalyst for extraordinary levels of determination and strength, and for finding purpose. It is what psychologists refer to post-traumatic growth. But not all high performers have trauma in their lives. High performers have drive and determination, fueled by the understanding of and acting upon their unique set of values: e.g. if someone values providing support to unprivileged kids in under-developed countries for instance, his or her efforts will be fueled by this desire.

– Focus and removal of distractions: High performers know they need focus. Anecdotally, as a high performer myself, I recall how as a kid excelling in school, my parents always told me to focus on school, while they took care of the rest. This might seem mundane; but they did that with a lot of sacrifices. That clear direction – to focus on school at the time- built a habit in me to stay focused on and be responsible for my number one goal. High performers also understand very well that one focus killer is multitasking, a performance myth over the last decade. Studies show that tasks take in fact longer when multitasking and ultimately performance is hurt. High performers are also not shy about shunning social media, another enemy of focus, or removing distractions in their environments. For instance, they understand that social media creates a risk of mindless scrolling, brain fog, and zapped energy levels (same as lack of sleep!) and might revert more often to social media breaks as a way to re-energize, be more present and gain some time and energy back for their own goals and the relationships they want to prioritize outside a virtual environment.

– Planning systems that lead to new disciplines and tactics: High performers know that having a good memory and to-do lists is helpful but not an enabler of sustained high performance – sooner or later, such system fails or overwhelms. High performers are typically using planning tools (e.g. planners) to enhance performance via the regular exercise of writing down specific goals and targets for each day, week, month and year, with thought-through tactics and timelines for achieving them. Planners also typically include a regular progress review which helps to identify challenges, breaking points, areas of concern and improvement, as well as to experiment with new disciplines and tactics. High performers understand two big realities. First, high performance cannot be achieved overnight. Second, good habits, disciplines and tactics have a compounding effect (e.g. reading 20 minutes to a young kid translate into 121 hours or 5 full days of reading in one year). Likewise, negative habits compound with higher costs over time including negative outcomes such as disease, addictions or depression.

– Self-care and fun: High-performers are not overworked and stressed out, although there are certainly blind spots with being a doer or times when these feelings might be present. High performers understand that sustained high performance requires rest and relaxation, and having fun … they are, after all, human beings and not human doers. A common denominator for high performers is that they are finding or attempting to find genuine ways to take care of their souls, minds and bodies. For some, fun might look like a party with friends, for others, it is reading a book or going on a hike. And besides understanding what their self-care and fun needs really are (and experimenting with that), high performers are also carving out this area in their planning and strategy.

High performance is not an ability we are born with, but one we need to use and strengthen … just as a muscle. It can start with the framework above and continue with refining a high performance recipe that works for you, some days with more determination, other days with more disciplining….

Ultimately, the conduit for high performance is the understanding that we are responsible for our own actions and that, as per actor and comedian, Julia Louis-Dreyfus,

“The best way to make a difference in the world is to start by making a difference in your own life.”

2022 is coming to a close and whether you are a fan or not of new year’s resolutions, vision boards, and alike, a minimum of reflection and introspection is due as part of our evolutionary human nature.

So here is my brief reflection for 2022.

2022 wasn’t an extraordinary year by external feats. On the surface, it was an ordinary year at the risk of calling it quite plain – same jobs, same kids routines, some local or regional outings and some new and old friendships. When I count some heartbreak and COVID, the balance could be negative although that is an exaggeration.

However, upon more careful reflection, 2022 was a gift in its ordinality for two main reasons. First, anything that becomes ordinary in our days and lives constitutes at the end the foundation which anchors us during storms of life and propels us for growth, new experiences, breakthroughs and success. Second, without the distractions of the extraordinary, the ordinary takes us on a journey of constant appreciation and examination of what we hold dear in our lives, and what serves and energizes us in the realm of “ordinary” things, people and experiences.

While I envision 2023 as an extraordinary year with many extraordinary experiences and success, 2022 showed me the gift of an “ordinary” year.

Therefore, whether our 2023 will range on the spectrum of ordinary or extraordinary, or somewhere in between, my hope is that every one of us will see the gift in it.

There are two sayings that I love for the beginning of a new year:

• “Judge each day not by the harvest you reap but by the seeds you plant”
• “Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one.” 

Happy New Year!

I love birthdays and new years because they are packed with anticipation, excitement and hope for what’s ahead.

Entering a new decade of life calls for a longer reflection. So what have the last decade and life to date taught me the most?

– Impossible is possible. I am not referring to physical miracles but to the fact that there is so much to give and receive in this journey of life, decade after decade, some of which not even part of our wildest dreams or design of life. This is because life has an embedded potential to get transformed and grow beyond our expectations and imaginations. This is why growth is a journey which often times starts with us taking an initial step, oblivious to the unimaginable transformations, breakthroughs and growth that can be found on the other side of taking action.

– Challenges and negative emotions are a part of life. As much as we long for perpetual happiness, life happens and with it, challenges, frustrations, grief, anger, and sadness. The more we try to ignore or dismiss our negative feelings and experiences, the harder it becomes to go through them and emerge stronger as result of these feelings or experiences. In fact, looking back at defining moments in my life, some are loaded with heartache. We cannot control what life throws at us, but we can use these experiences as catalyst for growth, to shape our identity and bring out the essence of who we are and who we can become.

– Love and self-love are mandatory ingredients for walking the valleys and mountains of life and what makes us human. Irrespective of our starting points and experiences in life, love and self-love are a conduit for fulfillment. This can be the experience of becoming a parent which from a day to another expands the definition of unconditional love in a most profound way. Or simply the experience of forgiving one self or another person which might require us to confront some of our past experiences, limiting beliefs or mistruths that no longer serve us. And when self love or love for another is found again, giving and receiving love are an act of genuine being, which helps bring the best in ourselves and these around us.

– Environment matters. What and who we surround ourselves with have a strong influence on our thinking and actions. And our thoughts and actions ultimately define our characters and lives. We might not always be at liberty to choose our environments, but we can aim to have the discernment to amplify the positive encounters, experiences and relationships in our lives. It can be the brief interaction with a stranger who offers us a compliment on a day we feel lost. Or these friends who seem to always know to share a word of encouragement or wisdom when we most need it. Or these individuals in our lives who are a source of challenge when we might find ourselves a little too complacent or unaware of the need to grow.

And no matter what your own life reflections might be, there is one truth that applies to us all as per an often quoted saying: “today is the first day of the rest of your life“. Make it your day…!

From time to time, a few moments before my son’s eyelids close for a good night sleep, he challenges me to “Truth or Dare”. It was one of these moments that got me thinking how powerful this challenge could be in a grown-ups world.

Imagine “truth or dare” applied vis-a-vis our actions, relationships, emotions,…

Imagine:

– Truth in acknowledging our emotions and feelings, sometimes by finally discerning through what our bodies and minds might be telling us.

– Truth in acknowledging our shortcomings, as well as of those around us, without compromising nor losing compassion or the will to find a way to make things better or make ourselves better.

– Daring to act on that gut feeling even when there seems to be so many reasons for not following through with it; or daring to take that first step even if the full staircase is out of sight.

– Daring to listen to who we are, even if that means experimenting with actions and reactions to get to the bottom of our true selves.

– Daring to live life fully, during both valleys and peaks, by striving to grow from each encounter and experience of life, and perfecting the recipe of love for life, oneself, and those around us.

“Truth or dare” because today is the day that is given to us to break free from our old selves and grow closer to who we are meant to become.

It has been several months since my last post. A hiatus wasn’t in my plan, but it came about with the inability to find time for my creative self initially week after week, then month after month. It is not in my high-performer nature to lack intention, but this unintended break has taught me to let myself experience life in a more spontaneous and compassionate way.

Welcome hiatus. Why?

It takes self-compassion and love to allow ourselves to sit with our emotions and needs, and quiet down voices that no longer serve us.

It takes self-awareness to know that we might be drifting away from something or someone and stay in peace about it.

It takes reconnecting with who we are and responding to life, people and events in sync and acceptance of ourselves, our values and boundaries.

It takes love for ourselves and/or others to prioritize what the real needs might be, even if or even when it takes a journey of discovery, mistakes, victories, disappointments, and new excitement.

When we pause, we allow ourselves to reflect and course-correct. When we pause, we take ownership of our own lives and actions. When we pause, we reconnect with the better parts of ourselves and our humanity.

A hiatus thus becomes a stop for purposeful living.

Welcome hiatus, welcome life.

A 20-day challenge to “reflect, recenter and refuel” which started last October could be well thought of as a fiasco as I have yet to finalize it. Five days into the challenge, the “de-clutter your bedroom or office” turned from a one-day undertaking to well over two months of deep decluttering. From room to room and closet to closet, I’ve ended up disposing of a lot of things and leaving a good amount of order behind.

So what has the act of decluttering taught me to the point of making it the topic of my writing today?

• First, the hoarding of a number of papers, printed reports and articles over the last several years made me realize how many good intentions we have day after day – e.g. I will read that report, I will take that class, I will make the phone call – which are not followed through. We might be too busy, we might be unrealistic in overly ambitious expectations, or we might simply fail to act. So the lesson of bags of old papers that are too outdated to read today showed me how important it is to follow through. Once we have a vision of what we need to do or accomplish, today is the day to embrace that dream, plan and implement. Procrastination and lack of determination and decisiveness don’t serve us. That’s the bottom line. Failure to act today is missing on the chance of being who we could be tomorrow and in the future.

• Second, the act of decluttering led to clarity and some amount of peace. It felt like a new start. Making space physically and mentally brought clarity on what I had to discard and why, as well as on what I needed to do next and why. Decluttering forced me to take stock of what’s old and not needed any longer, while making a conscious decision on what items I wanted to hold on to, or which could be added in the future – both in my professional and personal lives. To some extent, decluttering was taking stock of who I have become and of my values, and deciding what still fits me or not, and what still serves me or not,….

• Third, decluttering helped me relive some emotions… the old dress I wore at a wedding, old birthday cards received from family and friends, my kids ‘artwork from kindergarten… the activity was a sweet ride down the memory lane over the span of several years…. Decluttering became a good reminder of how important it is to keep the memories of meaningful experiences alive, and to honor the journey.

Decluttering -be it of material items or of mental thoughts- has the powerful effect of bringing clarity, order, and a renewed motivation and determination to do more and be more.

And if you don’t have days, weeks or months to spend on decluttering, then think of proxy decluttering. For instance:

• What is the one thing you need to do today or what is the one thing (or many) that can in fact be left undone today?
• What is the one thought to keep today and the one (or many) thoughts to discard?
• What is the one action to plan for today and the one (or many) to put on hold?

As Gary Keller noted in #1 Wall Street Journal bestseller “The One Thing”: “The ONE Thing sits at the heart of success and is the starting point for achieving extraordinary results”.

As 2021 comes to an end, this is a time to reflect upon the events of the year with its highlights, lows, successes and lessons learned. We owe this reflection to ourselves, even if sometimes all we want to do is burry the negative in the past. Reflecting on the positive – the wins – has the added benefit of anchoring our lives into a soil of increased confidence and hope. And who doesn’t need such anchor when we face the unknown of a new year….with the COVID pandemic still threatening lives, communities and economies.

Perhaps not unsurprisingly, some lessons learned in 2021 center around change:

• Change happens if we take responsibility for it. Whatever changes we need or desire start with us committing to them and taking the time and resources required for such changes. It could be as simple as planning more family outings – which in turn will result in more quality time and stronger family bonds. In other words, fun times rarely happen by accident or by consuming social media feeds, we are the main characters of our lives and taking the driver’s seat is the surest way to reach our destination. Any change in any area of life starts with clarity about what we want or need to change, and taking ownership for envisioning, planning and executing on the desired outcome.

• Change rarely happens overnight. Momentum is built over time by being consistent in our behaviors and pursuing the actions we need to take in order to bring the desired change or progress. At some point or for particular changes, the momentum is so strong that the transformation becomes obvious to ourselves or others around us. And in this process of changing, we might find new cheerleaders and connections, while, at times, partying ways with some old ones.

• Change is dynamic and ultimately a perpetual state. There are always changes to aspire to, or that become obvious needs in our lives. We are going from one destination to another, from one life transition to another, from one unforeseen event to another, from one emotion to another … Change is a perpetual condition of life. Building the life skills of navigating and adapting to change and thriving under an always-changing condition of life are paramount to moving forward in life.

• Change cannot be rushed. Irrespective of how much we wish for something and do all the right things, some changes can only happen after some pre-requisite lessons, conditions or events have occurred. Passage of time or going through a particular life experience (e.g. a relationship breaking apart, a career or house move) are at times the only bridge to a particular change or outcome. Learning to discern when not to force a change versus forging ahead full speed, as well as learning to accept some life changes and events that are out of our control, both are a powerful catalyst for becoming who we are meant to be and growing into the best version of ourselves.

• Some needed changes are often linked to our strongest (oftentimes negative) emotions. If we pay attention to and lean into what our strongest emotions are telling us, we often times identify what the biggest changes should be for us to break through from what might be holding us back or away from our potential and usually a happier life. For instance, anger is often the result of holding back forgiveness. If we look deep inside and embrace that particular emotion, we receive a key to change – e.g. make peace with the past or with a particular person- which typically involves some level of healing and growing.

• Change provides for an up-to-date roadmap to our priorities, reflective of our values. The more we are in touch with our values, the more we can consciously prioritize required changes to live in alignment with such values. Change becomes a constant act of accountability and alignment, which feeds into a loop that clarifies and preserves our values and priorities. Sometimes it takes hardship or a crisis to understand the importance of a particular value, but once understood, we strive to make a change and build a system, habits and plans around it.

2021 has been a gift unwrapping the powerful impact of continued change. The grace of change comes when we continue to grow and be transformed into a better version of ourselves, one which is truer to our essence and values.

May life-given and purpose-driven change be with us all in the new year!

There is a lot of literature about well-being, and living a balanced life, as a roadmap to a fulfilled life. Touted sometimes as the “new rich”, well-being is marketed as a secret passage to a life of happiness and wisdom, and the opposite of doing or having it all or as much as possible, as directed by societal aspirations and ambitions that we might get trapped in. Indeed, our modern lifestyles tend to blurr the lines between business and personal hours, and oftentimes, high achievers are conditioned to keep going from one milestone to another, from one success to another, from one task to another … This can eventually lead to burnout or dissatisfaction, a feeling that something is missing or that somehow or somewhere, we got lost in the noises of the world and society. One might find himself or herself rejecting either one or the other lifestyle, and with this rejection, either burn and crash, or risk being a little too complacent and deny himself or herself a natural potential for growth. In this mist of potentially good or bad ways, one lifestyle emerges as an enlightened way – a lifestyle called “being”. Not “well-being”, and not “super-being”, but simply “being”. A quote by deceased American make-up artist and author, Kevin Aucoin, could sum it up: “Today I choose life. Every morning when I wake up, I can choose joy, happiness, negativity, pain… To feel the freedom that comes from being able to continue to make mistakes and choices – today I choose to feel life, not to deny my humanity but embrace it.”

So what is “being” after all and how much of that is “well-being” or “super-being”? Being is becoming as conscious as possible about our thoughts, values, choices and actions. Being becomes a lifestyle when it is a dynamic reflection of our continued experiences and experiments – sometimes with too much well-being or with too much burn and crash. By being, we give ourselves the space and freedom to experience a spectrum of outcomes and emotions, and constantly calibrate our lifestyles between dimensions of well-being and super-being.

The essence of being is finding our “roots” regardless of what’s happening around us or to us, and taking space and presence such that we remain in congruence with our needs and the needs of those around us. Being is derived from the experiences and emotions we live and not the things we consume, it is coming -sometimes in unexpected ways – with experiences that wake us up to what we might be truly needing or defining us but that we had not known up to that point. Once we experience the “being”, there is no turning back, because we understand that this path is uniquely ours to define and live – having gained more awareness and understanding about our true needs, desires and aspirations.

As a composer breathes new life into old music, so too a lifestyle of “being” is the oxygen to an authentic and rich life.

Some strategies and tactics conducive to a lifestyle of “being”:

– make it a practice to be intentional, present and a good listener, regardless of the circumstances or roles you find yourself in.

– keep experiencing with new skills, new ways of doing or responding to events or others, new activities and hobbies. In other words, cultivate a growth mindset and keep looking for ways to grow.

– simplify and declutter. The more overwhelmed you feel, the more simplification might be required to stay afloat or thrive. The easiest way to achieve a goal is to focus on it and avoid distractions or being spread out too thin. It is harder to simplify when you are a high performer or genuinely have many goals, but sometimes less is more and can be the breakthrough to getting to the next level or experiencing well-being and balance.

– get back up after you tripped. Disappointments, failure or frustrations are unavoidable parts of life. Sooner or later, we will experience negative events or emotions. Making the best of something negative, and finding a way to rebound and grow stronger from a bad experience or event is a recipe for inner growth.

– caring is sharing. Self care and care for others are the most efficient ways to reconnect with ourselves and these around us. Caring, sharing, and being vulnerable are a conduit for building positive emotions, resilience and hope in humanity and our own journeys. Being doesn’t happen “on our own” but in connection and connectivity with our tribe, environment and community.

Being is ultimately taking a driver’s seat to life with its ups and downs, and building an unique path of life by the experience of “being” across each experience, event, and decisions we made or face.

As per Merriam Webster dictionary, the impostor syndrome is defined as “a psychological condition that is characterized by persistent doubt concerning one’s abilities or accomplishments accompanied by the fear of being exposed as a fraud despite evidence of one’s ongoing success“. While there are negative implications if we let the impostor syndrome paralyze us, it is a normal part of our evolution and growth.

In its purest form, the impostor syndrome can reflect a beautiful part of our souls, in particular, the humbleness and honesty we demonstrate by acknowledging how little we know compared to a vast ocean of information, expertise, skills and knowledge that can be acquired during a lifetime or in a specific area. Paradoxically, it can also reflect, although not that intuitively, a good amount of self-confidence over what we know we can become or can do more…even if it doesn’t appear as an immediate achievable outcome. In other words, the impostor syndrome is signaling the potential that we know deeply within us we can tap into further. The impostor syndrome can therefore fuel a continued state of determination, grit and growth mindset, exerting enough pressure and positive stress for us to always improve.

There can be some cyclicity to it as well. In its initial phase, the impostor syndrome can manifest itself more like shyness and lack of self-confidence. However, as we experience real growth, the impostor syndrome tends to loose its grip, because the pull becomes stronger than the push. The pull of who we are becoming is stronger than the push of the past, the fake or limiting beliefs, or the voice inside us who was once a dominating and sabotaging force in our lives… The power of genuine growth manifests itself in that every day, we wake up firmer and more confident in who we are becoming and the why that drives our determination, resourcefulness and perseverance. To get to this phase, it likely took fears, trials, and experimenting with feeling uncomfortable. The impostor syndrome is therefore an indicator that we are growing, perhaps at a higher-than-average speed. In this process and journey of becoming who we are meant to be, we discover than feeling uncomfortable and even “exposed” is actually the path to growth. The impostor syndrome can therefore be the runaway to reaching our potential and dreams.

If you are feeling the impostor syndrome in any area of your life, quiet down for a little and acknowledge your feelings and fears. It can give you great insight into how you can use the impostor syndrome as a catalyst for growth. For instance, if you are a young professional feeling shy and inadequate in a meeting with senior executives, you can spend more time practicing deep breathing and power poses to grow your ability to stay calm and confident in high-stake meetings. If you are a seasoned professional grappling with feelings of not being or doing enough, engage in some authentic feedback discussions with your peers or leaders to more objectively assess how well you are doing, and what your areas of strength or improvement really are.

Regardless of where you are in the impostor syndrome cycle, three powerful truths are key to making the impostor syndrome work for you and not against you:

• Be compassionate with yourself and don’t be afraid to fail: failures and mistakes are actually the path to success. As Henry Ford noted, “failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.”
• Change anxiety into enthusiasm: don’t make it about yourself and your fears… but about the people you serve, the values you hold dear, and the bigger picture.
• Take action: even if you feel scared, identify the one step you could take to move forward even if that means to do the exact thing you are feeling uncomfortable about. You will be working your “growth” muscles, until one day, you are perfecting your art instead of waiting for the perfect plan and timing.

With the impostor syndrome most likely to impact, in fact, high-achievers and high-performers, remember the saying from motivational speaker Denis Waitley: “It’s not who you are that holds you back; it’s who you think you are not.”

Over the last few weeks, billions of cicadas, insects with large red eyes, black abdomens and orange wings, have been emerging across Eastern United States, after spending 17 years underground. Because of their periodical emergence, these species – among over 3,000 species of cicadas – are called periodical cicadas and are organized into Roman-numeral Broods. 2021 cicadas are from Brood X and have been spending the last 17 years underground, feeding onto tree roots, maturing before surfacing as adults in order to mate then die. Male cicadas make a lot of noise to attract a mate -cicada “songs” can reach 90 decibels, while female cicadas will lie as many as 600 rice-shaped eggs in woody plant tissues. Once young cicadas hatch, they will fall to the ground and eventually dig their way through to find roots. While their life cycle is long, their life as adults is short, with periodical cicadas dying within 2-4 weeks following their emergence.

Such a fascinating feat of nature can certainly offer a few lessons in leadership and personal development:

–Purpose requires maturity and patience: emerging into our destinies takes time, in the periodical cicadas ‘case 17 years. When we are unclear or uncertain about our lives, calling, next steps or we doubt the process, it’s easy to blame, call quits or sabotage ourselves or these around us. The condition for these periodical cicadas to emerge is a 17-year growth process underground, which marks these species ‘set point for adulthood and readiness. We cannot microwave maturity and leadership and more often than not, growth in these areas happen when challenges, uncertainty or hardship strike. Brené Brown notes in her book Rising Strong how “he or she who is willing to be the most uncomfortable is not only the bravest but rises the fastest“.

–The power of coming together is in both number but also diversity: the swarming of millions of sound-producing cicadas on the clock, every 17 years, is inspiring and awing for more than entomologists. There is power in the numbers in which cicadas emerge, complementarity of their roles (female and male) and a common vision – in the cicadas ‘case, the whole process underpins the survival of these species. In both personal and professional lives, the power of like minded individuals and teams, of shared values and of a shared purpose can move mountains. Likewise, there is power in complementarity and diversity of roles, experiences and perspectives. When we come together and mesh our differences and strengths, rather than find fault or feel threatened, breakthroughs -at an individual, societal and institutional level happen.

–Calling is about surviving and thriving: the emergence of cicadas has a clear purpose: reproduction and continuity of these species. Similarly, we all have our unique purpose. It takes courage and self-awareness to emerge into our purpose. Sometimes, it requires to let go of the expectations of others, find and follow our own voices and calling. Other times, it is letting go of limiting beliefs which no longer serve or have power over us. Many times, it’s simply daring to be, lead, stop, love, let go… Cicadas are showing us how it can be as much as a survival matter to assume our uniqueness and emerge into who we are called to be and who we are capable of becoming.

The cicadas emergence will happen again in 17 years. Who will we be? What will we do? How our planet and lives be 17 years from now? What if we lived the next 17 years with a strong certainty that no matter what happens, we will emerge because that’s woven in our human story? How would we act or be if we knew that irrespective of how deep we dig or fall, we will emerge into our calling?

Additional resource: A fun and educational video on 2021 Brood X cicadas

Whether you are in a romantic relationship or not, it would be quasi impossible to ignore the virtual or in-store display of hearts and what love ought to be during St. Valentine’s celebrations (even during a pandemic!). Irrespective of the type of relationships we might have or aspire to – at home, work or within our spheres of influence, there are a few ingredients in common, which are critical to a successful relationship:

• Connection: Connection is the ability to associate with someone in a way that enables a positive interaction. Team building activities are meant to foster connection within a team and across teams. Connection is a catalyst for further interactions and creating a feeling of belonging and togetherness – be it at home or at work. For instance, Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and author of several books on peaceful parenting notes how parenting is in fact 80% connection and 20% discipline. In other words, once connection becomes a primary approach to interact with a child, disciplining becomes a residual need. That small talk you might be dreading at the beginning of a new work call or joining your child in making funny faces could be a portal to strengthened or closer relationships.

• Compassion: Compassion is needed both vis-à-vis others and ourselves. Compassion is recognizing we are humans and seeing our own failures or those of others from a position of empathy, acceptance and inclusion. As someone whose life and work have been dedicated to love, Mother Theresa once said: “Love begins at home…unless and until we begin to love at home, we begin to love in our communities.” Similarly, until and unless we are compassionate with ourselves and those around us, we cannot thrive in a relationship…Leadership without compassion cannot endure crises or misshapes while the ability to go through and learn from such events -oftentimes by being humble and human enough to recognize errors – are the cornerstone for successful leadership. Likewise, love without compassion is conditional love, gauged on perfection and performance versus unconditional and forgiving love.

• Respect: By one dictionary definition, “respect is a way of treating or thinking about something or someone“. Treating people well is about maintaining their dignity regardless of the circumstances, or how upset, angry or disappointed we might be. When we stick to and challenge facts and behaviors, we credit respect and we are also more likely to be respected. “People leave bosses not companies” when they don’t feel respected as per an often-quoted Gallup study. Staying respectful even under strenuous or challenging situations is an indicator for the ability to work effectively with others irrespective of differences, functional areas or challenges, which makes such individuals more likely to be promoted. Respect is also about setting healthy boundaries for those around you and for yourself. As Eleanor Roosevelt, former First Lady of the United States once said, “no one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

• Trust: Trust is like oxygen for our relationships. Without it, communication and results are faltering or get stuck in a yo-yo pattern, because misinterpretations or biases might feed mistrust. Though trust can be regained, it always takes more time, efforts and intentional communication to maintain a productive dialogue. An authority on the importance of trust in organizations, Steven M. R. Covey noted how “the ability to establish, grow, extend, and restore trust with all stakeholders—customers, suppliers, and employees—is the critical leadership competency in the global economy.” Lack of trust in a personal relationship could lead to insecurity while at work, building and maintaining trust are essential to being valued and promoted. If you find yourself in a relationship where trust has been broken on one side or the other, a starting point to mending trust is to prioritize bi-directional feedback and communications on expectations and milestones required to restore trust.

• Appreciation: Appreciation is the ability to value something or someone. Value is in the eye of the beholder, however highly dependent on the beholder’s interests, needs and experiences. At times, appreciation comes down to the ability to objectively evaluate pros and cons, strengths and weaknesses, good and bad – and decide to not let the “minuses” negate the “pluses”. Appreciation can also be a springboard to enforcing relationships and building trust. In the personal or professional sphere, challenge yourself to evaluate how a perceived minus could be in fact a strength. If one of your employees is an overthinker, a process improvement initiative could be a perfect assignment for him or her. While if you have an intense child, that might well be a reflection of his/her intelligence and creativity that will serve him/her well later in life.

• Responsibility: Responsibility is taking ownership of our realities and relationships. It is taking action and making a plan to close a gap or meet a goal. It is doing your best first and foremost, before expecting someone else or something else to get better or perfect. In “The Success Principles: How to Get From Where You Are to Where You Want to Be“, Jack Canfield talks about how our how our outcome or success -however we might define it – is primarily determined by how we respond to events that happen to us. James Hollis in Living An Examined Life has a superb way to capture how we are the main character in our existence: “Our life begins twice: the day we are born and the day we accept the radical existential fact that our life, for all its delimiting factors, is essentially ours to choose. And the moment when we open to that invitation and step into that accountability, we take on the power of choice.”

Relationships are our soil for growth. Take inventory of your top relationships and gauge what ingredients might be missing or required in larger quantity. Salt to taste to allow the aromas and power of relationships to come through. Why? Because we are made to thrive when connected and in fulfilling relationships.